Keith Jones, 35
Sheriff, Jefferson County
PRESS CONFERENCE
Howdy, y'all. Thanks for comin' out. I'm Sheriff Keith Jones. I'll be makin' a brief statement, and then I'll be happier 'n' a pig in poop to answer all y'all's questions.
I want all y'all to understand that we git it. This here's a frightful time. The doggone dead is comin' back to life and there's more a-them and less a-us ever day. Rest assured that the good folks at the Jefferson County's Sheriff's Department is doin' everything possible-like to keep y'all and y'all's families safe 'n' sound from them pesky zombies. Lord willing and the creek don't rise, we'll get through this together.
Now, I want to ask the citizens of this here community to do somthin' mighty important to help us out. We'd be mighty obliged if y'all'd be vigilant. If y'all see somethin', y'all say somethin'. And by somethin', I a-course mean zombies. And by the other somethin' I a-course mean, "Lookie here! It's a cotton-pickin' zombie!" Y'all clear on that?
I'll take your questions now a-startin' with this feller here.
REPORTER #1: Thank you. Wayne Murray, Jefferson Gazette. Sheriff, there have been numerous reports of the residents of Jefferson setting each other on fire. Could you comment on why that is, as well as what you're doing about it?
That's a great question, Wayne. Y'see, here in Jefferson, folks got a long proud tradition of taking care a business themselves. That's why this here county's motto is "Shoot First, Shoot Often." And while that independent streak is purty darn admirable, I reckon that in all this danged excitement that some folks is jumpin' the gun and turnin' their neighbors and kinfolk into crispy critters when they should'nt oughta done that. So I'd urge all y'all to please, please, please, please use the common sense that God gave ya.
Cuz contrary ta what a lotta folks think, it ain't always easy to tell the difference a-tween a zombie-type person and a normal-type person. So a-fore you douse 'em with gasoline and toss a lit match, I want you to ask yerself some very basic questions.
Is he goin' Rrrrr? Or is he clearin' his throat?
Is he turnin'? Or is he sleepin'?
Is he a-tryin' a-bite ya? Or is he a-tryin' a-kiss ya?
Is he shamblin'? Or is he jus' limpin?
Is his eyes red on account a-him bein' a zombie? Or on account a-his hay fever?
And in case any a-you is still bumfuzzled, we got us a handy pamphlet we're distributin' to y'all. It's called "Learn Before You Burn."
REPORTER #1: A quick follow-up. Could you say the word humdinger for me?
Humdinger.
REPORTER #1: Ha! That was great! Thanks, Sheriff!
Glad to oblige. You sir, in the back.
REPORTER #2: Mario Oswald, Jefferson Gazette. Sheriff, do you really think that in a life-or-undeath situation people are going to have the time consult a pamphlet about zombies?
That's a great question, Mario. I was hopin' they'da read it a-forehand. But if'n not, and someone's comin' at ya and you ain't sure if'n they're of the zombie persuasion, you can always just ask 'im if he's a zombie and see what he says.
REPORTER #2: Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job' Sheriff — although clearly somebody should — but has it occurred to you that what a zombie says might be a lie?
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
