Leonard Russell
Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord
So things are heating up. Clem has joined the ranks of the undead, Lila is immune from the zombie plague and she and her fiancee want to start a master race, and now this.
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I am planning a crippling strike agains the Artificially Intelligent menace known as Robot Jesus 2.0.
Oh, com on! Robot Jesus 2.0 is great! He is going to save us from the zombies, assuming Lucas's essay is good enough. Almost done there, Lucas?
Lucas: I'm working on it, OK? You think it's easy to write an essay good enough to save humanity?
Do you want me to help?
Lucas: You can help me by not asking me how it's going every seven seconds!
This is pathetic! Why are we kowtowing to this overgrown calculator? We are the Human Race, the ApexPredators of planet Earth, honed by billions of years of evolution! And I, for one, am not going to let machines dictate our fate again!
Why not?
Because they waged war against us and nearly wiped us out in the process!
That was Sean and Shirlé.
They're all the same, as far as I'm concerned.
That's racist. Or maybe machinist. Carbonist? And besides, Robot Jesus never killed any humans. Which is more than you can say.
You act like a I'm a mass murderer.
Well, you have killed a lot of people.
But I only killed people in wars.
And that makes it OK?
Of course it does. It's all about the clothing. Shoot someone in civilian attire and you are a monster. Shoot someone in a uniform and you're a hero.
Even if it's a Marching Band uniform?
Especially if it's a Marching Band uniform. If you wear plumage on your head, you deserve whatever you get.
That's harsh.
It's in the Geneva Conventions. Look it up.
I'll take your word for it. Well, not really, but...
In any case, I am planning to deal with Robot Jesus once and for all.
You sound very confident. But you have to admit, your track record is not terribly impressive.
Why? Because I have lost every battle I have ever fought?
Yes. That.
You know, they say that you learn more from failures than your successes.
If that's true, you are the most learned man who ever lived.
Do you think your sarcasm is helping?
I'm sorry. Won't let it happen again. So tell me about the wisdom you gleaned from your Marathon of colossal failure.
The most important thing I discovered is that the battle usually goes to the first mover. The robots, the zombies, they both took us by surprise and we were back on our heels. This time, we will take the initiative.
That makes a lot of sense, but... didn't they teach you at soldier school?
You mean West Point?
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
