Greg Walp, 22
Gamer/Stoner
Remember Greg? Sure you do! He was the addled, affable stoner who, among other things, introduced us to Robot Jesus who was destroyed along with the other AIs, Sean and Shirlé. He claims to, once again, have some potentially game-changing news.
Oh, man, good to see you again, dude! Bring it in! [Hugs me for an uncomfortably long time. #MeToo]
I haven't heard from you since the early days of the post-apocalypse. I was worried that something had happened to you.
Dude, tons of things happened to me! Where do I even start? Oh! I know! I invented a new kind of apple pie! It's a lot like a regular apple pie, except you scoop out all the apples and replace them with cherries.
So... a cherry pie.
But is it a cherry pie? Or is it an apple pie made out of cherries?
A cherry pie.
You know I love you, dude, but you are so linear!
My apologies. But what I would like to hear about is your experiences right after the Robot Apocalypse, during the Tech Massacre.
Oh, it was rough, dude. Let me tell ya: If I knew I'd be running for my life, I wouldn't have worn my flip-flops. Also, I wouldn't have smoked so much pot. It's hard to get away from an angry mob when you're bent over, wheezing, carrying two grocery bags full of cookie dough and pizza rolls. It was pretty scary.
I can imagine.
Believe it or not, I haven't smoked weed since.
Good for you.
Yup. I'm all about the edibles now.
Because they don't affect your lungs?
That's a bonus, sure, but honestly, I'll eat anything in the shape of a gummi bear. I'll tell you, if they ever invent gummi bear broccoli I'll be the healthiest mofo you've ever seen.
I'm a little confused. Why was the mob going after you? You're a gamer, you didn't work in tech.
Yeah, seriously, dude! That is my biggest complaint about bloodthirsty mobs: Their total lack of nuance. Sure, they went after tech executives and programmers and systems architects, but also people who worked for The Geek Squad or tech support or looked like Bill Nye. Or in one case, was Bill Nye.
They got The Science guy?!
Yeah. You ever see someone strung up by their bow tie?
I have not.
It is the funniest horrible thing you'll ever see. Or maybe the horrible-est funny thing you'll ever see. I don't know.
How did you manage to get away?
I didn't. I took three steps and tripped over my flip-flops. Ha! That is a fun thing to say! Tripped over my flip-flops! Tripped over my flip-flops! Flopped over my trip flips! Flapped under my mop tops! Flippety-floppety-floop! Ha ha ha!
So you've been high this whole time?
Nope. That's the thing about edibles. They sneak up on you. The ninjas of the drug world. Hyaaa!
So how did you survive the mobs?
I acted like a harmless stoner.
You are a harmless stoner.
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
