Dougal Lathem & Kevin Becker, Parents
(To refresh your memory, Dougal is a young gay man who fell in love with Kevin, a transgender man. Together, they had a baby named Angel.)
The scientific community (or what's left of it) tried to track down Zombie Zero, the individual who initially contracted the disease and spread it to the populous. Without access to computers, the work was painfully slow, and lacking a concrete answer, the public did what publics always do: Speculated wildly. To wit:
DOUGAL: I know for a fact who started the Zombie Apocalypse. It was Sebastian.
KEVIN: It wasn't Sebastian.
DOUGAL: OK, then you tell me who started it, smart guy!
KEVIN: I don't know.
DOUGAL: If you don't know, how do you know it's not Sebastian?
KEVIN: You're right. There is a one in seven-hundred-million chance that it was, in fact, Sebastian.
DOUGAL: So we agree: Sebastian is a prime suspect.
KEVIN: (sighs)
AARON RUBICON: Who's Sebastian?
DOUGAL: The world's shittiest kid. Did you watch Game of Thrones? Sebastian is basically Joffrey, except he's only three and way less likable.
KEVIN: He went to the same pre-school as Angel.
AARON RUBICON: Angel's old enough to go to pre-school already?
DOUGAL: I know! Can you believe it? Although, in related news, Angel got kicked out of pre-school.
KEVIN: Or, if you want to be technical, Dougal got Angel kicked out of pre-school.
DOUGAL: Whatever. Pre-school is dumb.
KEVIN: It's not.
AARON RUBICON: What's the name of the school?
KEVIN: Just For Kids.
DOUGAL: See? Even the name is dumb! I mean, what a selling point! Unlike your typical preschool that lets anybody in — wrinkled old people, middle-age divorcees, and pimply teenagers — this forward-thinking preschool only allows children!
KEVIN: OK, that's fair. But they teach the children a lot.
DOUGAL: Like what? Finger painting? Tracing your hand to make a Thanksgiving turkey? Macaroni art? Yeah, that'll prepare them for the Jobs of Tomorrow.
KEVIN: I meant social skills. Like sharing.
DOUGAL: Ugh! Such a waste of time.
AARON RUBICON: What's wrong with sharing?
DOUGAL: Come on, Rubicon — hey, that rhymes! — we all live in the adult world. We know that sharing isn't a thing. "Hey, Lou, that's a nice car you got there! Can I share it?" "Sure you can! Right after this game of Duck Duck Goose! Oh, and if you wouldn't mind picking up some popsicle sticks, the world's most useful building material, because I'm building a deck."
KEVIN: Every day you sound more and more like your parents.
DOUGAL: I. Do. Not!
AARON RUBICON: You sort of do. And I noticed you don't LOL anymore.
DOUGAL: LOL just doesn't seem like something a father would say. I've been experimenting with "Because I said so, that's why!" and "I'll give you something to cry about, buster!" but it's still a work in progress.
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
