Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Celebration!

Lila

Outside of Lila's house it looked like a block party. It was extremely crowded, making it hard to maneuver Lucas' and Stephanie's cages to the front door. It was quite a celebration. There was live music, gourmet food trucks, and a wine bar. There was also a bounce house and face painting for the kids. A lot of people were wearing T-shirts or buttons with Lila's likeness.

I asked one of the locals, a young mother, what they were celebrating.

"Lila," she said.

"Is it her birthday?"

She laughed. "Better! It's her bite day!"

It turned out that Lila had been bitten. For real this time.

When we went into the house, Lila was lying on her enormous bed, wearing a shimmering white robe. With her arms crossed across her chest, she looked like a pharaoh, except with a more expensive pedicure.

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So we heard the news from your neighbors.

Yes! So sweet of them to honor me this way! Sending me to the next level of my spiritual journey with all this positive energy!

Well, that's quite a, um, upbeat interpretation.

Why shouldn't I be upbeat?

Because you're going to spend the rest of your existence wandering the Earth as a zombie. Unfeeling, uncaring, mindless. Which, I grant you, isn't a huge change, but still.

Oh, Aaron, after all this time, haven't you figured it out by now? The Universe has a plan for me!

Doesn't the Universe have a plan for everyone?

I mean... yes. But let's be honest: There are plans and there are plans.

The difference being?

Have you ever seen a movie?

Indeed I have.

A movie has a few important characters you care about and the rest are there just to take up space, right?

You're talking about extras.

Yes! They all have a "plan" but their plans are, like, sit at a table and eat some ravioli or walk across the street or nod when one of the important characters says something. Sometimes you just see the backs of their heads or an elbow or whatever. They don't have names, they don't have stories and nobody cares what happens to them.

And that's how you think the Universe works?

It is. OK, there's this story, in the Bible that takes place a long time ago before the United States was invented. There was this guy — I don't remember his name, Pepe or something — whose job it was to sweep the castle's steps. And there are sooooooo many steps to sweep and it takes forever to get it all swept and then when he's all done sweeping you know what happens? The queen walks up the steps, getting sand all over the place, and now Pepe has to start all over again. But Pepe doesn't mind. In fact, he does it with a spring in his step and a song in his heart. Do you know why?

Because... Pepe is a little, um, "slow"?

LUCAS: Because Pepe gets a fair wage and good benefits thanks to the Step-Sweeper's Union Local 22?

STEPHANIE: Because Pepe is planning on deposing the queen in a bloody coup?

No, no and yuck. It's because Pepe knows that it's an honor to sweep the the steps of the queen.