Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

The Tooth Fairy

Dougal Lathem

When we last checked in with Dougal, we learned about the challenges of raising a zombie child. Today, we followed up to see how things are going.

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Has there been any change with Zombie Angel?

Sort of. He's a little taller, and a lot stinkier. Oh, and he's lost his baby teeth.

Well, that sounds normal at least.

It does. Except they fell out all at once.

I didn't know that was a zombie thing.

It's not. It's a falling face-first down the stairs thing.

Oh.

And it led to a really huge argument between me and Kevin.

About what?

Whether or not The Tooth Fairy would visit Angel.

Which side was Kevin on?

He was very much Team Tooth Fairy.

And you?

I was Team Are You Out of Your Mind I Mean Kevin Seriously Get A Grip Jeez You're Acting Crazier Than Natalie Portman In Black Swan What Do You Mean You Didn't See It Kevin It Is A Gripping Tale Of Madness And Lesbian Ballerina Sex With Mila Kunis.

That's a very long team name.

I was going to have T-shirts made, but they would have been the size Kanye West's ego.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't. The point is that Kevin was acting crazy. I mean, first of all, there's the issue of trying to sneak money under Angel's pillow when he never, ever ever sleeps! He just stares out you, wheezing, so good luck with that! But more important, in the history of the world, has anyone heard of The Tooth Fairy visiting a zombie?

You know the Tooth Fairy isn't real, right?

That's not the point, Rubicon! It's the principle of the thing.

What principle?

Reality! That's the principle! OK, you know those intense pet owners who insist that their pets are way more humanlike than they really are? I once met a woman, Fran, who made her cats become vegans. She acted like she was doing it for her cats, but really she was trying to impress everybody else. "Look at me, everybody! I'm such a good person that even my cats are helping heal the earth by eating a socially conscious diet! Yeah, I know they don't usually care about factory farming, but mine do!" Meanwhile, the cats would literally murder Fran for a piece of meat if they could. It's the same thing with Kevin.

How so?

He's acting like Angel is just a regular kid who does regular kid things and everything is fine and dandy.

Did you just use the phrase fine and dandy?

Ugh! Yes! I hardly know who I am anymore. But the point is that Kevin wants the Tooth Fairy to come not because it means anything to Angel who would happily — well, blankly — tear out our throats, but to prove to everyone that he's a good mother/father.

So what? Parents do that all the time.

I know. Back in my day—

Did you just use the phrase "back in my day?"