Even in the worst of times, commerce rolls on. New situations breed new opportunities for enterprising business people, some legitimate and some not. What follows is a sampling of popular commercials aimed at alleviating the stress of the Zombie Apocalypse.
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TV Commercial
Un-Life Insurance
FADE IN:
A wholesome family of indeterminate ethnicity is having a backyard barbecue in Anytown USA. Two adorable children, AMY (she's 11, but you just know she's going to grow up to be super-hot in a year) and BILLY (8, spunky, but with a hint of darkness) are pitching horse shoes. The father, STEVE (35) is grilling hot dogs over a too-big flame.
The mother, MOLLY (32) sees what is going on at the grill and hurries over to her husband.
MOLLY: Oh, no! Steve! You burned the weenies again!
STEVE: And speaking of burnt, Molly, we really need to be prepared in case something happens to one of us.
MOLLY: But we are prepared, Steve! We have the best life insurance money can buy!
STEVE: Yes, Molly, but we don't have Un-Life Insurance!
FAMILY: (in unison, to camera) Un-Life Insurance!?
STEVE: That's right, family. We need un-life insurance in case we turn into zombies.
MOLLY: But why?
STEVE: Well, Molly, did you know that we are still liable for any damage we cause after we become zombies?
MOLLY: I did not know that, Steve!
STEVE: And did you know, Molly, that Mutual Un-Life will pay for any expenses incurred in your un-living state? Or that you can get coverage up to a hundred thousand dollars at surprisingly low premiums? Or that Mutual Un-Life is the oldest Un-Life insurance company, with a track record stretching all the way back to late fall?
MOLLY: Well, Steve, ten seconds ago I hadn't even heard of Un-Life Insurance so, no, I didn't know any of those things. Obviously.
STEVE: So what do you say, Molly?
MOLLY: I don't know, Steve. Do we really need it? I mean, turning into zombies? That's something that happens to other people, not us!
BILLY: Yeah! There's no way I'm going to turn into a stupid zombie!
AMY: Me, either!
STEVE: Well, kids, you know who else thought he wouldn't turn into a zombie?
KIDS: (In unison) Who?
STEVE: Grandpa Jerry!
(CAMERA WHIP PANS TO A ZOMBIE STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE YARD, TIED TO A STAKE).
GRAMPA JERRY: Rrrrrr!
(CAMERA WHIPS BACK TO THE BARBECUE)
STEVE: So, which one of you would like to set Grampa Jerry on fire?
AMY: (Crying) I love grandpa!
BILLY: (Crying) I don't want to set him on fire!
STEVE: (Chuckles) I know you don't, sport! And thanks to Mutual Un-Life, you won't have to!
CUT TO: A nondescript office, with a lot of books.
A MIDDLE AGE MAN sits at his desk, addressing the camera.
MIDDLE AGE MAN: That's right, Steve. Mutual Un-Life's highly trained and caring professionals will quickly and effectively dispose of your former loved ones. You can choose from three different methods: Fire, dismemberment or our newest offering: throwing them into a wood chipper. All done with the caring and respect your former loved ones deserve.
CUT BACK TO: The backyard.
FAMILY: Bye, Grandpa Jerry!
The family waves at Grandpa Jerry on the other side of the yard as two burly men in white HazMat suits toss the old man into the wood chipper. We hear the buzz-saw sound of the chipper. Blood sprays everywhere. The HazMat suits are dripping red.
STEVE: (To kids) Aren't you glad you didn't have to do that?
BILLY: I sure am!
AMY: Me, too! Thanks Mutual Un-Life!
MOLLY: Well, that settles that. But there's another problem.
STEVE: What's that, Molly?
MOLLY: What are we going to have for lunch?
She points out the charred hot dogs.
STEVE: Maybe we'll order a pizza.
FAMILY: (laughs)
FADE OUT.
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
