Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Explain It With Yachts

Aldrich V. Royce

Media Mogul

With its uncontested dominance in TV news, Omniscience Broadcasting is a critical — perhaps the critical — voice in determining the outcome of the upcoming election.

—————————

Hello, Mr. Royce.

Hello, thing that is not myself. You may start in the dining room.

Um...?

Aren't you a pathetic servant here to set up for the dinner party?

I'm a journalist.

Even more pathetic. Well, "journalist"why don't you grab a cloth and some silver polish and make yourself useful for the first time in your trivial existence.

I'm scheduled to interview you.

Very well, faceless cog, ask your questions. But I expect my cutlery to positively sparkle.

Sure. Let's start with this: There have been numerous complains that your election coverage is shamefully biased.

That's a rather aggressive tone for a servant.

Again, I'm a journalist.

Well, I hope you're a better journalist than a silver polisher. Just look at how tarnished that salad soup spoon is.

I'll try to do better. But what do you have to say about those bias complaints?

It is the laziest, most drearily predictable critique imaginable.

But that doesn't mean it's wrong, does it?

I take it that you grew up in a city whose drinking water had dangerous concentrations of lead.

Why do you think that?

The rank stupidity of your question.

There's no need to insult me.

It wasn't an insult, just an observation.

Fine. But please explain why the critique is wrong.

Very well, simpleton. Consider: If our network, for instance, ran a piece on how wonderful Heesen Yachts are, the lovers of Fincanieri Yachts would accuse us of bias, would they not?

Sure, I guess.

And if we did a piece about how wonderful Fincanieri Yachts are, lovers of Heesen Yachts would accuse us of bias, yes?

Yes.

But if we did a piece about how exactly, equally wonderful both Heesen Yacht Fincanieri Yachts were, do you know what would happen?

Peace and happiness throughout the yachting land? Or sea. I guess.

Ah-ha-ha-ha! To the contrary! Believing their yachts to be superior, the Fincanieri and Heesen lovers would both complain of bias! Moreover, the lovers of Lürssen Yachts would organize a boycott of our advertisers because we didn't mention them at all!

Wow. Everything seems so simple when you explain it with yachts.

That was just a random example. It works just as well with Leer Jets, luxury cars, and private armies, if you prefer.

So what you're saying is that everybody is biased, so by definition there is no such thing as "unbiased."

Ah-ha-ha-ha! You certainly seem to have gotten your money's worth out of your mail order philosophy degree! But you have it exactly wrong. Of course there is such a thing as unbiased.