Leonard Russel
Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord
Colonel Leonard Russell was one of the few high-ranking surviving members of the U.S. military during the Robot Apocalypse. He subsequently promoted himself to General and then, after going a bit crazy, to the fantastical rank of Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord, which he still holds today.
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Let's start with the obvious question.
How do we defeat the zombie army?
How do you still have a job?
What do you mean?
The robots killed approximately ninety percent of the world's population and as the highest ranking military officer, shouldn't you take responsibility?
I take full responsibility.
How so?
By saying the words, "I take full responsibility." Which I just did. Responsibly.
But why weren't you relieved of command?
Because I am the highest ranking military officer and until we elect a president, nobody has the authority to do so.
When will we be having that election?
Soon.
Can you be more specific?
Soon-ish.
OK. Now that we've cleared that up... how do we defeat the zombie army?
The first thing you need to know is that the zombie army is unlike anything we've ever faced.
Yikes.
The second thing you need to know is that there is no zombie army.
But you just said there was!
It was a rhetorical flourish. An army has a command structure, rules, trained personnel and, in this army at least, fashion-forward uniforms that I designed myself.
Very snazzy. I like the beadwork.
Thank you. What we're actually dealing with is a bunch of zombies.
Wait. The collective noun for zombies is a bunch?
Is that a problem?
I guess not. Just seems a little banal. Why not a Horde of Zombies? Or a Stagger of Zombies? Oooh! A Thriller of Zombies!
I truly do not care.
A Thriller of Zombies it is! Make a note of that, Lucas!
[LUCAS: I'm not you're slave!]
You're not?
[LUCAS: No, you're right. Sorry. I must have spaced for a minute.] (Makes note.)
What I'm getting at is that the zombies have completely changed our understanding of how war is fought.
How so?
Well, ever since the advent of war, combatants shared the same goal: Turning the enemy's living people into dead people.
Seems straightforward enough.
And just as important, the dead people understood that they were dead.
How do you know they understood that?
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
