Keith Jones, 35
Sheriff, Jefferson County
With the stunning decision by the United States Supreme Court — in essence agreeing with the late Banyan Bradford that zombies are people, too — a lot of things suddenly changed. And few people felt that change more keenly than the men, women and non-binary individuals who work in law enforcement. To learn more about that, I observed roll call (the morning briefing) at the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department, where Sheriff Jones talked about how his officers would have to adapt to this new reality.
As ever-body must-a done heard by now, the highest court in this here land-a the free, in their infinite wisdom decided that zombies is humans, with the same ol'rights as the rest-a us normal-type folks.
Police: (Boos and swearing)
Officer Burke: What do they want us to do, Sheriff? Read the zombies their rights?
Police: (Laughter)
Well, even though it makes 'bout as much sense as boobs on a bicycle, they sure as shootin' do.
Police: (Louder boos, more graphic swearing, mostly revolving around the excretory system)
Lookit, I hear y'all loud and clear-like. An' I'm more frustrated 'n' a eunuch who just upped and won a free ticket to the Playboy Mansion durin' hummer-fest. But all the hollerin' in the world ain't a-gonna change the simple fact that the good ol' days of doin' anythin' you want to do to zombies is over is like Noah's Ark 'n' tippin' yer hat to a lady: It's a thing a the past.
Officer Burke: So the undead get to run free and we have to leave them alone?
Ain't nobody sayin' nothin' like that. But ya can't just hassle 'em 'cause they look like a zombie-type critter. That's animate profiling and believe you me, the Zombie Un-Lives Matter crowd will be all over us like Harvey Weinstein on a starlet.
Police: (Grumbling, except for Officer Goldstein who is kvetching)
Officer Burke: So when are we allowed to deal with them, Sheriff?
It ain't that complicated fellers. We can deal with 'em any time reckon we need to. Just now we need to show... well... probable cause.
Police: (Deafening boos, unkind comments about the Sheriff's mother.)
Come on, y'all, I ain't heard so much belly achin' since the Chipotle in Laramie was shut down for salmonella. Most-a you been 'round long enough to know that there's plenty-a ways to skin that there constitutional cat. You just gotta be creative-like.
Officer Clayton: Creative-like how?
You know. It's like... "'Scuse me, Mr. Zombie Sir, but it looks to me like you got yerself a broken tail light. License 'n' registration, please."
"Rrrrr!"
"You're acting a mite strangely, sir. Do I have your permission to search your vehicle?"
"Rrrrr!"
"Thank you, sir... Well, well, well, what do we have here? A baggie full a heroin?"
"Rrrrr!"
"It's not yours? Well, sir, then whose heroin is it?"
"Rrrrr!"
"Looks like I'm going to have to take you in."
"Rrrrr!"
"What in tarnation? Are you resisting arrest! I feel sorta-kinda threatened-like and will now protect myself with lethal force!" (Flamethrower noise)
Police: (Applause)
Officer Loggia: Well-acted, Sheriff.
Thank ya kindly. I knew that thee-ater major would come in hand someday.
Officer Loggia: But that whole scenario makes no sense. Zombies don't drive cars, they are incapable of showing identification and they certainly don't walk around with baggies full off heroin!
You're righter than a Pythagorean triangle 'bout that. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If the courts wanna pretend that zombies is humans like us, then we'll pretend right back. Last I done checked, humans drive cars , show I.D. and carry plastic bags full of heroin.
Police: (Impressed murmuring)
Officer Loggia: That's kind of genius, Sheriff.
Officer Clayton: But it's wrong, isn't it?
Police: (blanks stares)
Officer Clayton: Because when we joined the force, we took an oath to uphold the law!
Police: (laughter)
Ha! Ain't rookies a hoot? Lookit, sometimes you gotta break some legal eggs to make a justice omelet. Believe me, if we took the time to dot every "I" and cross every "T" and get a "judge" to sign a "warrant," we'd never catch a bad guy.
Officer Clayton: I thought we were supposed to do things by the book.
Where'd you get a cockamamie idea like that?
Officer Clayton: From the book.
Y'see, the book was written by latte-swillin' bureaucrats, with their fancy suits and expensive loafers, sittin' in their cushy offices makin' up rules based on philosophical nonsense, like Plato's Republic, Thomas Aquanias's Summa Theologica and the Bill Of Rights. It sounds good up there in their ivory towers, but we're the ones who are gonna risk our dadgum lives, not them. You don't want to see your fellow officers unnecessarily at risk, do you?
Officer Clayton: No, Sheriff.
'Course you don't. You want every-body to be safe as all get out. It's why you have a drop gun in your ankle holster, ain't it?
Officer Clayton: I'm sorry, Sheriff. A what in my what?!
You know. The spare gun you hide in case you shoot someone who turns out to be inconveniently unarmed. You put a gun his dead hand and now it's a shoot so clean your mama could use it to do the gosh darn dishes.
Officer Clayton: I've never heard about this before.
Why didn't nobody tell the rookie about the drop gun?
Officer Burke: Sorry, Sheriff. I thought Perez was going to do it and Perez thought I was going to do it and somehow the rookie just fell through the cracks.
If'n I told you once, I done told you a bazillion times: Communication! It's so important-like! What else did you forget to tell 'em?
Officer Burke: Ummm...
Does he know how to make sure that his body camera has a "technical malfunction" when there's a traffic stop that might be a mite controversial-like? Does he know to say that the perp reached for his waistband even if he don't? Does he know he's s'posed to back up his partner's story, no matter how plum loco?
Officer Burke: No, Sheriff.
Officer Clayton: But sheriff, what if someone finds out? Won't we get in trouble?
Police: (Laughter)
Boy howdy, rookie, you could worry the balls off a pool table. We is all in this together.
Officer Clayton: Not me. I'm duty-bound to report this!
Here's the thing, young in. If'n there ain't no difference a-tween people an' zombies, it don't just mean that we can treat doggone zombies as human folks. We can also treat humans as doggone zombie folks.
Officer Clayton: What does that mean?
(Officer Burke lights his flamethrower; points it at Officer Clayton.)
Are ya smellin' what I'm cookin', boy?
Officer Clayton: Yes, Sheriff.
Good. So hit them there streets and make a goldarn difference!
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
