Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

The Bartender's Last Call

Exit Interview

Kenny Lee

One of the interesting things, from a journalistic viewpoint, is that between the time that a person is bitten by a zombie and becomes a zombie there is a transition period in which the person — in this case, Kenny — is lucid. Depending on the severity of the bite, they might have enough time to share their final thoughts with us. Think of it as an Exit Interview right before they join the ranks of the undead.

Super-cool, right?

For us, I mean.

Not so much for Kenny.

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So. I guess this is it. The bartender's last call.

Looks that way. If there's anything you want to say, now's the time.

Well, I really want to stress how incredibly obnoxious pre-gaming really is. I mean, come on, people, you wouldn't pull that shit at a restaurant, right?

"Our specials tonight are rack of lamb, short ribs in a red wine reduction sauce and poached salmon. What would you like?"

"Nothing, thanks, I just ate a microwave pizza at home. Now go get me some more free bread."

I mean, really, people. What the fuck?

Sorry, but it needed to be said.

Um, OK.

What?

Nothing. It's just, given the circumstance, I was hoping for something a little more, I don't know, meaningful?

Like what?

What are your thoughts about the prospect of becoming a zombie?

Well, you know. It blows chunks.

(LONG SILENCE)

That's it?

Um, it meaningfully blows chunks?

Is there — I'm just reaching here — a woman you're leaving behind?

Yeah. Plenty.

Anyone stand out as special in your mind?

Yeah, actually. Madeline. She was one of the older women I talked about before.

Did you love her?

I mean, she was totally chill, but... (Shrugs )

So what made Madeline special?

Well, she actually has hair on her vagina! Which was an incredible find! Running into an unwaxed, unshaven woman in this day and age is like kind of like thawing out a Mastodon that had been frozen by a glacier. And I mean that respectfully. Hash tag metoo.

Do you think that Madeline did that as that as feminist statement?

I think she just didn't want to spend so much time on maintenance. I've been to her apartment. It's also pretty messy.

Well, by the looks of you, I think we're running out of time. Do you have any regrets?

Now that you mention it, yeah. Huge regrets. The thing is that I spent my whole life trying to get people to like me. So I did what what they wanted me to do, said what they wanted me to say. And it wasn't until now, at the end of my life, that I finally took a stand.

Ah, so what you're saying is that you were essentially a mindless slave to peoples' expectations. Like a zombie, if you will. And it is only now, as you tearfully slip into oblivion, that you realize that you completely wasted the precious, priceless gift that was your life. That's a really meaningful insight, Kenny. Not to mention poignant!

What? No! Being a "mindless slave" worked great for thirty-five years! I mean... everybody liked me! I take a stand for the first time — well, second if you count my refusal to go along with that bullshit Zima reboot — and it literally killed me. Or is it un-killed me?

At this point, I wouldn't sweat the grammar.

(Kenny gets a faraway look in his red eyes.) I can feel it.

Feel what?

I'm leaving.

Any last words?

Rrrrrr.