Infomercial
FADE IN:
We see video of a zombie walking menacingly towards the camera. The face is grotesquely misshapen, but there is something familiar about it.
With a terrifying Rrrrrr! the zombie tilts its head and opens its mouth wide, as if to bite the camera operator.
THE IMAGE FREEZES.
SPLIT SCREEN: The zombie on one side and on the other side a calmly smiling actor who is very much not a zombie.
ACTOR: (POINTING TO FROZEN ZOMBIE IMAGE) Yuck! Can you believe that unholy monstrosity used to be me? It's true!
Hi, I'm Jesse Plemons. You've seen me in such notable shows as Friday Night Lights, Breaking Bad, Fargo and Black Mirror.
Six weeks ago, I was bitten by my girlfriend, Kirstin Dunst — who you know from the first Spider-Man trilogy and pretty much nothing else — and let me tell you, I thought our relationship, and my life, was over.
Well, the relationship was over thanks to a trigger-happy flamethrower vigilante who burned Kirstin to a crisp — (HOLDS UP A HUNK OF CHARRED HAIR) this is all that's left of her (KISSES HAIR; WIPES TEAR FROM EYES) — but I became human again thanks to RRRRReanimate System™.
All it takes is four short weeks!
Week One: Three times a day, you enjoy a RRRRReanimate Shake®. They come in five eye-catching day-glo colors. Don't worry about the burning sensation in your esophagus. That just means it's working!
Week Two: More colorful shakes! You will probably be tired and groggy, but that just means that your body is working hard to fight off the zombie infection! Also, you will need you to sign certain legal documents. It's all boilerplate, so no need to contact an attorney! You just rest!
Week Three: In addition to the RRRRReanimate Shakes®, you will get a daily infusion of baby's blood. Who do we get the blood from? Don't worry! It's probably no one you know!
Week Four: You will be pronounced legally dead by one of our friendly reps, triggering certain irrevocable monetary transfers that you agreed to in Week Two. And then, depending on which organs have been harvested — if any! — when you were dead, you will wake up, well-rested and ready to resume your human life.
Yes, it's that easy! It worked for me and it'll work for you!
Disclaimer:
RRRRReanimate System™ has not been evaluated by the FDA.
RRRRReanimate System™ is for entertainment purposes only.
RRRRReanimate System™ is not bound by the laws of man and nature.
RRRRReanimate System™ just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?
Known side effects include dry mouth, shortness of breath, demonic possession, arrhythmia, Mad Cow, slurred speech, the bends, Surprised Cow, Whatever disease Brad Pitt had in that dumb Benjamin Button Movie, vaginitis (especially in women), Ironic Detachment Cow, and some cancers. Well, most cancers. OK, all cancers.
If you experience an erection for more than four hours, good for you, guy!
Keep RRRRReanimate Shakes® away from open flames, landfills, pregnant women, Methodists, Rubik Cubes, trap music, Pumpkin Spice, even numbers, Buffalo nickels, palindromes and labradoodles.
Jesse Plemons was never a zombie (but Kirstin Dunst totally was).
RRRRReanimate System™ has just been evaluated by the FDA. Our CEO was just taken away in handcuffs.
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