Movie Trailer
Un-Death Of A Zombie Salesman
OVER BLACK:
TRAILER VOICE ACTOR: (V.O.) Everyone knows Death of A Salesman...
WILLY LOMAN: (V.O.) I'm the New England man. I'm vital in New England.
TRAILER VOICE ACTOR: Arthur Miller's unforgettable award-winning tale of dashed hopes and shattered dreams.
WILLY LOMAN: (V.O.) I am not a dime a dozen! I am Willy Loman!
TRAILER VOICE ACTOR: (V.O.) Estranged from his family, disillusioned with the world, angry with himself, he leaves his family behind and commits suicide.
WILLY LOMAN: (V.O.) You end up worth more dead than alive.
FADE IN:
We see the devastated Loman family standing around Willy's gravesite.
LINDA: I made the last payment today, dear. And there'll be nobody home.
The family turns their back on the grave and walks away sadly.
TRAILER VOICE ACTOR: (V.O.) But what if I told you... that was just the beginning of the story!
MUSIC STARTS HERE
The family hears a scraping sound, rock on rock. They turn back to see Willy climbing out of his grave!
WILLY: Rrrrr!
BIFF: It's Dad! And he's a zombie!
HAPPY: I am not happy about this!
LINDA: Run!
LOMAN FAMILY: (screams)
They run.
CUT TO:
INT. LOMAN HOME
Panting, Linda, Biff and Happy run into the house and shut the door.
INT./EXT. LOMAN FRONT DOOR
Willy is standing at the door looking friendly (by zombie standards, anyway). The welcome mat reads: Free and Clear! Willy bangs on the door, again and again and again.
BIFF: You can't come in!
The banging continues.
HAPPY: Why won't he leave us alone?
LINDA: He's a salesman. He doesn't take no for an answer!
Linda opens the door.
LINDA: OK, if you want to stay with us, you have to follow my rules. That means no parties...
CUT TO:
A house party full of revelers. Happy and Biff help Willy do a keg stand. The partygoers cheer him on.
CUT BACK TO FRONT DOOR
LINDA: no sleeping in my bed...
CUT TO:
It's night and Willy feels romantic and snuggles up to Linda. Linda startles.
LINDA: Oooh! Your willy is ice cold, Willy.
Willy looks ashamed.
LINDA: No, I like it! Give me your big Rocket Pop, Willy!
They fall into an embrace.
CUT BACK TO FRONT DOOR
LINDA: ...and most important: Don't eat the cat. Understand?
Willy: Rrrrr.
LINDA: Good. Say, where is little Diamond, anyway?
Willy shrugs innocently, then burps up a cat collar. Whoops! Linda puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head, disapproving.
TRAILER VOICE ACTOR: (V.O.) From the The Miracle Jerker and the and the Director of Artificial Sugar Tits comes this hilarious and heartwarming story about second chances that critics have called:
"Even funnier than the original!" — New York Times
"The Citizen Kane of Death of the Salesman zombie movies remakes, but with a twist!" — Word Salad Weekly
"FFS! Does Hollywood have to ruin everything?" — The Daily Grumbler
"Rrrrr!"— Modern Zombie
CUT TO:
The family sings a version of Happy Birthday to Willy, only this version is Happy Reanimation Day. Biff puts a cake with lit candles in front of Willy. Willy freaks out. The cake goes flying.
BIFF: My bad.
FADE TO BLACK
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
