Dougal Lathem
When I originally talked to Dougal and Kevin about their preschool experience, I thought I had heard the end of the story. But out of the blue, I got a call from Dougal saying that there was more to it. A lot more.
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AARON: OK, I'm here. What did you want to tell me?
DOUGAL: First, I have a question: Who is that in the cage?
AARON: That's Lucas.
DOUGAL: Yeah, I know. I meant the other cage.
AARON: Oh, right. That's Stephanie. Lucas's girlfriend.
DOUGAL: Really? Nice, Lucas! She's super-cute!
LUCAS: I know! I'm a lucky guy!
STEPHANIE: So, Dougal, you're not going to ask why I'm in a cage?
DOUGAL: I'm sure there's a good reason.
AARON: There is! These crazy kids are in love, but are having trouble being faithful to each other. So I took it upon myself to solve the problem.
DOUGAL: Awww! That's so romantic!
STEPHANIE: Or a felony.
DOUGAL: Or both!
STEPHANIE: Fair enough.
DOUGAL: And now we put the spotlight back on me!
AARON: Sure. What's up?
DOUGAL: I have a confession to make.
AARON: Let me guess: You're not really gay!
DOUGAL: Ha! Good one, smug heterosexual entitled white guy! But no. The thing is, we didn't tell you the entire truth last time we spoke.
AARON: How so?
DOUGAL: When we said that Angel almost got bitten by the little shit-stain Sebastian, that was kind of a fib.
AARON: Are you saying he was bitten? I mean... zir was bitten?
DOUGAL: Kevin's not here at the moment, so feel free to use more convenient pronouns.
AARON: Thank you.
DOUGAL: You're welcome. And, yes, he was bitten. But it was such a teeny tiny cut — barely a scratch — that we didn't even notice it at first. And when we did it looked so superficial that we thought that Angel would be fine. So we disinfected the scratch with rubbing alcohol and left it at that.
AARON: Rubbing alcohol negates the zombie virus?
DOUGAL: Uh, no.
Aaron: But Angel's OK, right?
STEPHANIE: Jesus 1.0, Rubicon! Do you really not see where this story is going?
LUCAS: Um, it's best not to antagonize Mr. Rubicon.
STEPHANIE: What's he going to do? Punish me?
LUCAS: No, he's going to punish me!
STEPHANIE: Well, that's sexist.
DOUGAL: This couple is getting less adorable by the minute.
AARON: Seriously. Stop stealing focus, you two. Thank you.
DOUGAL: Anyway, the point is that Angel now identifies as a Zombie-American. Slash firetruck. I guess.
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
