Just so you know. I don't think you're a piece of shit. And I know you have your own issues. And I fucking hate that you think that you're my punching bag. But... Im sorry. Im so fucking sorry that Im so terrible to you. You have no idea how shitty it made me feel. How terrible everything you say makes me feel. I know you're trying to help you, and i feel like shit for ever telling you anything. But dude for 5 years you were the person I talked to. You were there and I was there for you. And thats so fucking hard for me to accept is gone. Its all gone. The love is gone, the feelings are gone. Just the memories and the pain and all the bad is still here. And I'm sorry for holding on to the hope that it would come back. You're right I have no clue whats going on with you, and I want to. I want to know how you are and if you're okay. And I want you to listen to what i say instead of getting irritated right away and coming to your own conclusions. I want you to fucking notice that my whole fucking life is slipping away from me, and how that would feel. What we used to have and notice that its gone and how that might make me feel. I know you can't do those things, because you aren't me and you have to focus on you. But just, think for a second. How I must feel. The person I loved leaving me, again. Saying all these terrible things to me. What happened last time you left. What I lost when you left. Think of how fucking low that sent me. But you don't. And i get it, you can't really focus on that, but you don't think of it at all. I just.. I wanted to wait and be here for you. And be the person who never gave up on you, because a long time ago thats how you felt. Like you weren't good enough for someone to never give up on you. And I told you i never would. I would be here as long as you wanted me. And I guess that time is up. I don't think anything you do pertains to me. Not a single thing. That song I sent you, I thought that was you, but it isn't. It's me I guess. And Im sure you'll never read this, and you'll move on. And ill still be here typing. Hoping for the boy who was there and cared. But he is gone. You don't care. Im sure you do, like any decent human being cares when another is in pain. But you don't want to be there, to fix it, to listen, to talk. You don't. And thats fine, ill get over it. Because I have no choice anymore. You officially are gone. I just, I don't know why this time its so hard. I don't know why i can't just use someone else to move on like I normally would. I just can't. You completely broke me, more than any other person has. Maybe you were right. You are my second love. And I fucking hope that I was at least one of your stupid high school loves that don't even count. But I hope I was something. More than the nothing I feel. I just am so sorry. And like I said, I can't say it enough. I wish with everything that it was different and that I was strong enough to stay, but I can't like this. I miss you and I want to know how you are and if you're okay. I want you to talk to me. And I want you to want me and to want to talk to me and tell me whats going on. Without it I draw my own conclusions. I have more to say but. I can't see from crying and its late. You just.. you turned into someone I don't know anymore. You turned into someone who doesnt care if he made me cry. Or if he made me feel terrible. Or how I was. You didn't care to share your life with me. And I knew it was coming, but i just wasn't prepared. As if I ever could be. I just am so sorry for whatever I did to make you change how you felt about me. Change how you saw me. One of my biggest regrets is letting you see me how I saw myself. Because when those thoughts are said in your voice they feel like salt in an already gaping wound. They feel like being cut all over again. They feel like weights dragging me to the bottom of the ocean. Im so sorry that I was bad for you. Im so sorry that I didn't do what you needed, say what you needed. Im so sorry Im not who you needed. Im sorry to have wasted your time. Im sorry you showed the best of you to someone who was broken and fucked up. Im sorry you wasted yourself on me until I drained you of all the good in you. Im sorry I wasn't the right person. Im sorry if you felt even a quarter of the pain I feel. Im sorry for giving you these memories with the wrong person. Im sorry I fucking ruined you. Im sorry I turned out to be the bad. Im sorry I turned out to be everything you didn't want. Im so sorry for fucking you up. Im so fucking sorry for the way you see me. I promise, Ill let you go. I promise I will try everything to make sure that you don't have to deal with me anymore. Im sorry I made you feel so terrible about yourself. And Im sorry I couldn't make you understand my side and how I felt. Just.. you're the biggest loss Ive ever had in my life thus far. And Im so sorry that I wasn't the person that made you feel like you had anything to lose by losing me. Im sorry that your life is better without me. So I promise, Ill do my best to let you go on and live your best life. Im sorry that you ever met me. And I'm sorry that I did this to you. Im sorry for me. Im sorry for existing. And that sounds stupid but you have no idea how much I mean it. I hate myself for the things you think of me and see in me. And I'm so sorry you ever had to see or deal with them. Im so fucking sorry. If it ever meant anything, if it ever mattered, I love you. More than those words could ever mean. Im sorry none of this matters and if you do read this, I'm sorry for wasting more of your time. Im sorry for wasting space in your life. Im sorry for everything I did and made you feel. Im sorry for burdening you with my existence and then my suicide and I'm sorry for burdening you with this stupid kid crap. I should've never told you. I should've never been with you. You'd be so much better off if we didn't happen. Im sorry for being a waste of a person, no matter how pathetic that sound, thats how I feel. I love you so much, and Im so sorry I do.
