It fucking sucks that you couldn't care less. It fucking sucks that whenever I'm in a bad place you disappear. And I've written it before, but fuck dude. Why. That's what I want to know. Fucking why don't you care. How is it so easy to ignore me. How don't you care what I'm doing or anything. How I am. How do you read about me hurting and not care. How is this what I fucking deserve. I don't understand how that's okay. I just don't understand. I don't get how you can only like me when I'm okay. You don't want to be my friend, you don't want to be there for me. And you don't want anything more with me. So why am I still sad. I know you don't love me how I love you. So why am I still sad about it. Why do I care. Why am I hurt. Why do I fucking miss you when you don't miss me. Why do I still love you when you don't love me. Why do I still want you when you don't want me. Why do I care that I mean nothing to you. Why do I care that to you I'm fucking trash. I'm just there to fucking be there when you're bored. It's fucked up. And I'm constantly upset about it. And it just fucking sucks. And I don't know why I deserve that. I don't know why you don't love me like I love you. I don't get it. And I'm a fucking pathetic stupid girl for even thinking about you.
I love you. No matter how fucking shitty you make me feel. You really meant a lot to me. You were my world. And I miss you. I miss who you used to be. Especially now. Because I feel like I'm dying. And I wish I had my person. But I don't feel you here anymore. And it's breaking me down even further. I don't feel you anywhere. And I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of pain. I don't know what I did to make you not care. But I'm sorry for whatever it was. And I feel like such an idiot for letting myself believe that I was worth it to you. That you cared about me how I did about you. I'm stupid for thinking I was good enough. That I deserved anything. And I feel like an idiot for just wanting you to lay with me and tell me it'll be okay. To stay here. Stay alive. As stupid as that sounds. I wish I could put all of my pain in this. Into words. So you could understand. But I assume you knowing wouldn't change anything. Not how you felt or thought about me. Not how you cared about me. You said you want to be friends but look. Every time I start to deteriorate you disappear. And I'm just less and less every time you come back. I don't know why you think that's okay to treat me like that. Like this. Like nothing. I think we're nothing because that's how you treat me. I feel nothing here because you're not here. And idk why that made you mad. You know it's true. You don't feel anything for me. I just wish I could pour my pain into this so that it would leave my body. I don't know what to do. And I wish I hadn't of met you. Or more I wish I meant something to you. I wish I meant what I thought I did. But I'll never be more than nothing to you. Just a disposable nothing person. So why do I feel such dread at moving on. Why can't I just not care like you do. Why do I have to be the one to check my phone a million times to see if I'm worthy of your time that day. I don't know why you don't see how fucked up it is. I just want to bleed out. I feel more now than ever that my death would mean nothing. I thought for a while, believed for a while, that you were doing this for me. That maybe there was a part of you that wanted to be better for me. But that was a dumb lie. To a dumb girl. I must've listened to that song a million times. Told you to listen to it countless times. Hoping you'd tell me just to wait. That you loved me how you used to. And that you're trying for me. Trying for you of course. But that there was a part of you doing it for me. I've come to realize the lie though. And I just feel a weight of sadness crushing me. And I wonder why you don't feel it. Surely after 4 years you'd feel something about me. But nothing. I'm nothing.
