Today was bad. All day I thought about ways to kill myself. And I don't know how to make the thoughts go away. I don't know how to stop thinking them. I went for a drive and intentionally didn't pay attention to the road. Hoping I'd be lucky enough to go over the side or maybe go into oncoming traffic. I thought about you. And tried to make sense of everything. But it doesn't make sense. But I'm hoping in time it will. I'm hoping in time I'll accept it and move on. I'm hoping I won't always think about what I do in terms of how you would feel about it. Because I'm sure you don't do that. I'm hoping I won't check my phone hoping you'll have said something. Because I know you don't do that. You don't wish to talk to me. Anyways. I don't know why I want to die. But I do. And I don't know how to fix it. I fantasize about how I would do it. The most painless way. What would be easier for my family to see happen. But really. I don't think they care. Like yes it would matter to them. But like when I tried, after a week, it would go back to normal. And I think I could be selfish enough to do that to them. It's only a week. I've been going through hell for 8 years. They can handle a week. I just wish I was brave enough to actually do it. Pull the trigger. Turn the steering wheel. Jump. Cut. However I would do it. I just wish I could. How sick is that. To think about that all day. It wouldn't effect anyone though. I honestly believe that. I think it would be better. No one would have the burden of dealing with me. I wouldn't have to deal with myself. Everything could just stop. Even you. You would be able to peacefully fix yourself. Without me hurting you or bothering you. Without having to deal with my existence when you obviously don't want to anymore. It would be better for everyone. It would be the biggest favor to everyone. No one would have to think about me anymore. It would just be better. And I want to do that for everyone. I want to do that for myself. I want to do that for you. I want to do that so that you can be okay again. You wouldn't have this toxic nuisance in your life. You could be happy.
