I'm sorry. I know you don't read this. But maybe one day you will. I was thinking about how you were the first boy I had ever shared a bed with. When we all stayed at your moms apartment with you. And we stayed up until stupid early and fell asleep together. And I was scared to get up in the morning because I didn't want to wake you up. And just.. how could I so easily take that away. How could I share a bed with someone else. How could I do that to you. And to myself. I literally hate myself for it. It makes me want to die. That I was so stupid. I let that happen to me. And I brought you down with me. And I'm so sorry. There aren't words for how terrible I feel. For how much I hate myself for it. For how badly I wish I could make it never have happened. If I could do anything I would make it have never happened. But I can't. Not without killing myself, which I wish I could man up and just do. I wanted your dream too. I just didn't realize it until now. I thought that to you it was all about the story. Like we've only been with each other how cute to tell people whatever. But I realize it's more than that now. It's just.. I'm gonna start crying so I have to wrap this up. But. We can't talk anymore. I can't do this to you anymore. You deserve so much better. And I can't be constantly reminded of how I brought you down with me. All because I was lost without you. It wasn't your fault none of it was. And I didn't want him. I didn't want that. But I did let it happen. I didn't fight like I could have. And I let fear fuck up everything we had. And believe me it makes me hate myself more than you ever could. But I can't do this to you anymore. You have to let me go. You have to find your better person. Who doesn't need the world to come crashing down before she decides she needs to change. And I know that someone else isn't even a thought in your mind yet. But don't fight it. Let yourself move on. Let me go. Because you deserve better than me. So much better. And I'm so sorry that I couldn't be that when it mattered. I'm sorry I went to such a dark place and completely fucked up everything we had. I will always love you. And I hope you know that. I will always be here loving you. And fucking shaking as I write this. Please be okay. You deserve so much. You deserve to be so fucking happy. And I hope you find it. I fucking pray that you find it. You deserve the world. And I'm so fucking sorry I couldn't give it to you. I'm so fucking sorry I couldn't be better for you. Fuck I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry for ever coming into your life. I'm sorry for fucking your life up. I'm sorry you chose the wrong person to do all those things with. I know I'm the bad thing in your life. And I'm so fucking sorry. I hate myself for not being the right person for you. For not treating you better. For not being what you deserved. I'm so sorry I fucking you up. But you'll be okay. I know it. You're strong. Please be okay. Please find someone better when you're ready. And please know that I love you with all my fucked up heart. And I'm so sorry for everything
