I don't deserve you at all. And I'm honestly just waiting until you get tired of me. And I'm waiting for you to not feel anything for me anymore. And I'm hoping to god that I'm not hurting you. But fuck I love you. And I wanted to say it so many times just in one day. When you're singing along to that movie. When you're eating all the food. When we're laying there and you're just closing your eyes. I want to tell you I love you. But I feel like I shouldn't. Like it'll make you feel weird or something. It makes me feel like shit though, like literally the worst person in the world. Like when I saw that thing on Instagram saying "I've been fucking you since we were 18". And we have. But It's not just you. And I wish so much that it was. Seriously I know you think it's a lie. And I totally understand why you think that considering I'm such a fuck up. But I wish that it was. And my fuck ups make me feel like complete shit. Like I might as well be better off killing myself. But I wish it was. I want it to be only you. And I just constantly feel like I'm losing you. Like this Halloween thing. That's our day. And you're gonna enjoy it with other people. And I constantly feel like I'm losing you to them. Which maybe it's a good thing. Because they're better for you than I am. But. It makes me feel so sad. I don't get you for any other holiday. That one was ours. And it's always fun. It's some of my favorite memories with you. And I'm just not ready to lose you. Which you'll have fun I just. I don't know. I want to do those things with you. Dress up for Halloween. Go out and do something. I don't know. I want that with you. Which is selfish. But anyways. This isn't about that. I really do love you. I love just being around you. I fucking love listening to music with you and seeing you geek out over it. Singing along to it with you. I love it. I love that you call things we do a date. I love kissing on you and playing with your hair. I love loving on you. I love showing you affection. I love touching you. I love that you enjoy it. I love you. And loving you so much makes me want to leave. So that you can be okay. It makes me want to leave so that you don't have to be hurt. So you can move on. So you can forget about me and be okay. So that you don't have to be reminded of how much of a fuck up I am. You deserve better. You should have better. I don't know why you like me. And I'm so scared for when you don't anymore. I'm so scared to lose you completely. I'm so scared that you're growing further away from me
