Hamilton Oneshots

Angsty Jeffmads/Thomgelica - Let go - Part 1

K so I took inspiration from a certain page in the book The Memory Cage, and if you've read that book...you may know what to mentally prepare for. Book lines are in underline.

The Memory Cage AU + Me AU

Thomas's P.O.V.

Everything is going to hell, I decide. I sigh as I rest my head on my hands, sitting on the edge of my bed. It's been two months since the incident, and I still haven't told anyone in my orphanage about how I feel. How I feel about the love of my life dying because of me.

I turn my head when I hear the door creak open. Standing there is a girl I've never seen before. She has curly black hair and a nervous smile.

"H-hey...I'm Angelica. Angelica Schuyler. But you can call me Angie." She walks on over, her nervous smile now a confident one.

"Hello. I'm Thomas Jefferson. But you can call me idiot." I groan as Angelica plops down next to me. Unwelcome, might I add.

"Alright then. What made you a idiot, idiot?" She asks. I sigh. Don't really want to tell the story. Don't EVER want to tell the story. To anyone, anywhere, anytime.

"Why don't you tell me about you? I've never seen you around this orphanage before." I change the subject, my voice still hoarse from crying the night before. Nobody knows about that though. Angelica nods reluctantly.

"I guess so. As you know, I'm Angelica Schuyler. I'm not actually part of the orphanage, just visiting the kids here. You're the third I've talked to, the first one, Aaron Burr, was kinda rude to me. The second one, Alexander Hamilton..." her voice trails off, and I look at her. Huh. There's something in Angelica's eyes...like determination, yet kindness. Woah. "Um, Alex was okay I guess. So now I'm here. What else about me? Let's see..." Angelica goes on to tell me about her family, and how she has two sisters names Eliza and Peggy. She explains and tells stories and I listen intently. Angelica then tells a story on Peggy's weird yet funny behaviour, and I feel a sharp pain in my heart. The way Peggy acts reminds me of...nevermind. C-can't dwell on the past. "Hello? Hellloooo? Idiot?" Angelica brings me back to reality. He isn't here in reality.

"Hmm?"

"I said, what about you?" Angelica repeats, and my heart beats faster.

"Ugh, just leave me alone! I just want some alone time!" I shout as I push Angelica out of my room. She lets out a few yells of protest as I lock the door. I lie back down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

She's kinda annoying. Kinda. I smile. Maybe I enjoy the company...kind of.

Time skip

Aaaand she's back. I was just moping around in the-what time is it anyway?-when Angelica lets herself in and plopped herself back down on the bed. She pats the space next to her, motioning for me to sit. I roll my eyes and sit.

"So, idiot-"

"Y'know, you don't have to do this." I interrupt, staring at the floor and the ugly carpet design. I feel Angelica's gaze penetrating me, asking for a explanation. I sigh. I had thought about it all night, and came to a conclusion. "I know that the director of this orphanage asked you to talk to me. To make me let out my feelings so you can report back to him. Because I spend too much time moping around. Because of my p-past." I let it all out, the last sentence almost becoming a sob. Angelica is silent, and that's just it. I'm right. I let out that sob I was holding and bury my face in my hands. I feel a hand on my shoulder and shrug it off.

"Thomas? You know that isn't true. Or maybe you don't, so in that case..." Angelica takes a deep breath, putting her hand on my shoulder tentatively. This time I don't shrug it off. "I wasn't sent to do all those things. I'm just being nice. Scratch that. I'm just doing this to relieve stress and meet new people. In my house, I'm always expected to be the best. To be the oldest and wittiest and be caught up on all the gossip in New York City." She gushes out. I nod, when I was with him, I always took responsibility for our actions. But, I guess that led us to his downfall. "So what I'm trying to say is...I don't really know." Angelica sighs. "Heh, I'm also looked up on when there's a problem, like I'm the leader." I nod.

"Yeah, I know that feeling."

"Huh. Yeah."

We sit in uneasy silence. Should I tell her about why I'm so...sad? Even if I wanted to, could I tell her? I mean like, without breaking down. I-I'm not sure if I can. I glance at Angelica. She's staring at the wall, thinking about whatever she thinks about. Maybe me. Aah! I look back down at the floor. Really Thomas? Already getting crushes? Even after what happened to...AHHHH! Don't think about it, don't think about it... "Thomas? You look like you're gonna throw up." Angelica says, nudging me.

"Whaaat? Oh um, yeah."

"Whadda mean, um yeah!?" She sniggers. My face turns red. Ugghhhhh... "Oh! I have to go now." She glances at her watch. "Hey, are you going to the dance too?" Angelica's question catches me off guard.

"Huh? What dance?" I ask. Angelica gets up and sighs dramatically.

"Oh y'know, the best dance ever!? Everyone in this orphanage plus my family-cus my Dad is funding it-are invited." Angelica babbles. "My outfit is gonna be beautiful! A pinkish red crop top and jeggings! So, you going?" She turns to me expectantly. I sigh.

"I don't know. Maybe." I turn away and collapse on my bed. I don't really wanna do anything. Ever. Ha! Retaining some of my old anti-energy I had before Angelica showed up.

"Awww, it'll be fun! C'mon, you know you want to." Angelica encourages.

No response from me.

"Alright... remember, it's tomorrow night, so um...I hope to see you there, I guess." Angelica leaves my room and shuts the door quietly. Should I go? I think to myself. I slowly drift to sleep asking myself the same question. Move on and get to know Angelica, or don't and mourn for him?

...But they have seen us. We run through the woods. I am gripping James's hand, pulling him, the men with guns getting closer...

I take a quick glance at James. He's frightened, but determined to keep going. I remember what he said to me the night before; Thomas Jefferson, no matter what happens to us, I will always love you. It was cheesy, but I really felt honoured and...happy.

If only the memory hadn't made me stumble. Made us slip down the bank into the river.

We are scrambling, tumbling, hitting the water. Its coldness suffocates me. I feel its strong press against my throat. Tree branches scratch at the top of my head. We are being dragged along. Water in my mouth, kicking wildly against the current. The river claws me under...

I remember the look in James's eyes

I can never forget those eyes

the moment

I

let go

of

his

hand

I sit up in a cold sweat. That nightmare...aargh!

"No no no!" I get up and start pacing around my room. I can't go through all that trama again... Not after what happened to James. I can't I can't I can't! "Arrgh..." I growl, curling into a ball. It's all my fault. It's all my fault that the love of my life is gone. If only I hadn't let go...if only...if only... "No..." I sob quietly. I take deep breaths, wiping away the tears. I have to move on. I don't want to, but I've mourned and grieved enough. I mean, 2 weeks of requiem is enough, right? I chuckle bitterly at my little joke, before more tears come pouring out, for me, for James, for everyone who has lost someone they love.

But...there is hope. There are more people out there, ready to become your family or friends in times of need. Huh. Like Angelica. I wipe away my tears and walk over to my window. I stare up at the stars, like I did so many nights ago with James by my side. I can fight this. I can get through James's death. But I can't do it alone. I won't be alone! I'll have Angelica to help me. I smile a little. Kind of like a Angel sending me a message from James. My smile gets broader. A message telling me to move on, but never forget him.

Maybe not everything is going to hell, I think as a star flashes across the dark sky.

Probs part 2? Probs part 2. It'll be the dance and stuff. Wait wait, ya'll want it?