Surviving | In The Life Of An Author

Something's Wrong With Me | Thoughts

   Maybe I'm freaking out for not reason. Maybe your okay, but what if your not. Fuck my life, please be okay. I know I'm being dramatic but I have the right to be because I know how you are, so anything could be going on.

   My anxiety is killing me because I'm not sure your okay or not and I have no way of telling. Fuck I hope everything is okay if its not I'm not sure how I'll react, please. I love you and if your hurt, or something's happened, fuck my life.

   And of course my mind is thinking of the worst possible scenarios. Like what if you hurt yourself, what if you got hurt. And then I get to the point where I just want to kill myself to stop me from thinking about this shit. What is that called? I want to throw up, cry, and stab myself in the stomach right now because I'm seriously so,  I don't know.

   With me freaking out right now because I don't know what's going on, and with the shit I've been trying to keep to myself I just want to stab myself. I go from worrying about you to the point that I feel like throwing up, to thinking about other shit that I don't need in my mind cause I'm already freaking out.

  I just want it to end, why do I worry so much?, why am I so scared when I'm not sure what's going on, it could literally be nothing. It gets so bad I just want to kill myself. Why do I feel like this? I need help. 

   With everything that's happened this year I'm so damaged. I just want to die. Use my life as a lesson of the shittiest person to ever live, because I hate myself. I'm ugly and unlovable, and not enough. Why is it that I feel this way? I just want to be happy, and be loved by the guy who's my everything, literally.

   Why won't it stop? Why can I just be happy with the guy I love? I hate myself. Why am I even alive still. I'll just be a quite distant memory in the back of someone's head and that's if I'm lucky. I'd probably be forgotten by everyone even the guy I love more then anything. What's wrong with me?

   There's something wrong with me. It literally could be nothing, he could be perfectly fine but I'm here worrying over possibly nothing, and I feel scared and like throwing up, and killing myself when I could have no reason what so ever to feel this way, well except for some shit I'm trying to deal with by myself.