Surviving | In The Life Of An Author

Biggest Fear | Thoughts

   I know I shouldn't fear this but I can't help but to because your so important to me. My biggest fear use to be being alone having no one, just wanting friends but now its losing you.

   Every night I'm scared to go to sleep because what if I wake up one morning and you left, saying "I don't love you, good bye" or something.

   I'm scared you'll leave me for her again because you love her to. I know I'm being greedy but I want to be the only one.

   Everyone always leaves and your so important to me. I end up making up the worst case type of scenarios because what if you do leave, you left once and I cried every day, every damn day in all my classes but the ones I had you in and every morning and every day after school.

   Do you know why? Its because I didn't want you to see how broken I had become after you left. I had gotten so broken yet whenever my friends tried to talk crap I always defended you.

   What if you do leave again? You love her to and I don't want to be the second choice. Just the girl you chose because your not with her. I want to be the only one.

   I know that's selfish and greedy but I love you so much. And I know you hate it when I say this but I'd give my life for you.

   I've always stayed even when you tried leaving completely, I friend zoned myself so I still had you in my life even though it hurt like hell seeing you with other people.

   I don't regret that, I don't regret my decisions but I can't help but to be scared, and worry, and just freak out because I'm not worth a damn thing, so there's no reason anyone would stay so all I have is my hope the hope that I cling onto for life.

   I love you Jeff. I hope you know that because I really do. It gets to the point that I get so scared, so worried, so freaked out that your going to leave, that I'd rather kill myself then to let that happen.

   And I know that it would cause everyone problems even you, and that you'd think it probably your fault because people always blame someone's death on someone but it wouldn't be.

   It would be because I don't want a life without you, and maybe that makes you feel trapped in this relationship but I don't want you to feel that way, I just don't want anything or one else.

   I have problems I know I do. My biggest problem is that I've made you everything but what if you don't want to be my everything? Jeff you need to tell me these things, I don't want to be with someone who feels trapped and doesn't love me.

   Because even though it'll kill me if you leave again if your not happy then I'd do anything, feel anyway just for you to be happy because I've said that I'd give my life for you to happy, I'd give my life for you, period.