Surviving | In The Life Of An Author

Inside Out | Thoughts

   I just got back from my disappearance and I need to get some thoughts out so I'm writing. Sorry its been at least two weeks.

   Do any of you guys ever go to the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror? Not to admire yourself but to see how ugly you are. Not physically but mentally because everyone's beautiful.

   I know that's silly of me to say when I don't think that way about myself but for everyone else that is true.

   But anyways, I'm ugly. I feel it, think it, and believe it. I stare in the mirror and see a broken hopeful love sick monsterus foul. Know why?

   Because the reality is I'm an ugly human being. I hurt my friend for a guy, yeah I love this guy with everything but I know and he knows I'm ugly inside and out and that he deserves better. Yet even when he's not mine and I know he's better off and deserves better I still can't seem to let him go.

   Ilh. Only I probably know what that means but its true I do.

   My eyes are dole and my smiles fake but hey its okay as long as I say I'm fine I may trick myself and everyone else into believing my lies as I slowly die.

   Ugly inside out, I can see it when I look into the mirror. I can feel it within me yet I just now realized what it was, he knew all along that I was ugly but I was to blind to see I'm sorry you were stuck with me.

   It must have been hell. The worst days of your life but I can't deny they were the best of mine. I cherish those memories with all my heart and if someone ever asked me if I liked someone I'd say I'm in love with my ex.

   I always wonder if maybe you still love me, I try to come up with reasons and why's to why we didn't work again. Maybe bad timing, maybe problems in our lives but that's cause I'm just hopefully that I was important to you like you were to me and that you'll cherish what we had like I do. See there I go again hoping.

   Beautiful world you've done me well. If my use is over you can end me as well like my lovely days with him but I'd prefer to go without the pain. He doesn't need or love me and my friend is better off so if the world took me away there'd be no complaints. Or am I wrong?

   Am I?