Surviving | In The Life Of An Author

Scared | Thoughts

   So I have a problem. So my body is slowly killing its self and that's a result of me not eating enough to have enough nutrients but the problem is I can't eat enough to get that nutrients because my body just throws it up.

   I'm fucking scared. I'm trying to force myself to eat so I get that nutrients for my body to work but I just end up throwing up which is making me lose my food and water so I'm not helping my body, I'm just making it worse.

   Its not getting better its getting worse and sooner or later I'm going to end up in the hospital. This has been going on for at least a month and I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want people to worry and I thought that I could get myself better but I'm not getting better and I'm scared.

   Sooner or later I'll get to the point where I'm going to have to go to the hospital because my body is killing its self and that's scary and if I can't get better I want someone to remember me.

   I don't know if I'm going to get better since it just keeps getting worse and if I don't get better I want someone I know to remember me, because I'm scared and I don't know what the future holds for me especially if it gets to bad and I can't jump back from it.

   I know I should have told someone but I was trying to deal with it on my own and in the the end I ended up alone. I know I should have told you but I didn't want you to wake up every morning and possibly think you were going to lose me, and in the end I lost you but I wanted you to be able to smile.

   I lost you. I know I fucked up but I don't regret it because in the end no matter if I'm hurting I wanted you to be able to smile. I wanted to get better for you, I didn't want to tell you because I don't know if I'm getting better. That's why I try to tell you or write something to show how much you mean to me because I don't know what the future holds for me.

   I feel so stupid that I didn't tell you and I miss you so much, I'm scared. What if I don't get better and I never get to be with you again? What if I lost my last chance? What if you don't understand how much I love you? I'm so fucking stupid, I'm so sorry.