The Aftermath

65🥀

November 1996:
Justine

You ever felt like what's the point,
Like what more can you do,
everything ain't getting back on track.
Like it can sometimes make you think that you're the reason for people's misery,
maybe if you weren't in it,
they could live again.
Like why should you continue to live filled with angry people because of you.
You've always thought about it,
Thought about telling yourself that's it,
But you can't.
You don't wanna be selfish because somebody else would also be in sorrow, so you end up doing something else......

Tears dropped on the piece of paper, I just had dots at the end of my sentence, my vision became blurry and I couldn't write anything more.

I'm not sure if I would call it a poem but I just wanted to write my feelings down just in case I'll do something I regret.

I set the paper down beside me as I stared at the ceiling. I eyed the small silver utility razor sitting on my nightstand. My hands were shaking as I rolled on of my sleeves up. I didn't know what I was going to do with the razor, all I knew was that it was sharp. I don't know how this sick thought came into my head but if I couldn't kill myself, I had to at least do something to calm myself.

My arm was shaking and I could hear my heart beat fast as I picked up the razor. I set my head back as my eyes closed shut as I sealed the tears that were trying to come out. I traced the sharp cold metal object against my arm each time before I pressed it further as I felt a sharp stingy sensation coming through lower arm. I opened my eyes and looked at it.....my lower arm was red. I never released I cut myself that deep, it would usually be scratches but I really went in for.

I slouched down on the wall as I felt my breathing getting heavier as I tried to calm down because if the pain and the tears coming out. I felt like I was slowly logging off but I wasn't.

.....You ever thought about hurting yourself,
You should try it.
Instead of people hurting you,
You can do the work for them.

I finished the last couple of lines on my poem. I felt more relaxed and calmed down, even though the scar I left on my skin was visible but at least I'm okay.....

I heard a knock on my door and it was a loud pounding. I ran straight to the window and peeked from it only realising it was just Faith, Mary and Jennifer. I know they staying at my place for a while but which ever one of them knocked on my door sounded like somebody else.

I ran straight to where I left the paper which was on the floor and tucked it underneath my bed pillow quickly as I grunted at the pain in my left arm from where the cut was. I needed to go and cover it up before the girls started asking me questions.

'Finally what took you so long?' Mary asked

'Y'all know I'm pregnant, I gotta take my time' I smiled

'You don't take your time on your food though' Faith poked out putting the bags down on the table

'Home girl have the fridge cleansed in a minute' Jennifer joked

'Nah girl lets change that in seconds' Mary laughed as I packed the fridge with the food they brought

Damn, fridge emptier than a broke motherfucker's bank account, did I really eat that much?

'Well she better keep that baby intact, that's Pac's child' Jennifer said I wasn't really into their conversation

They think I told him, but I didn't.....I don't know how long this lie gon' ride out.

'Yeah they better prepare him right for the world' Faith said

'What happens if it's a girl?' Jennifer asked

'Well we just gon' have to kill a couple of niggas that try to fuck her over' Mary said

That just made me think, 'Prepare right for the world'  that's what I'm scared off, I can't have our child suffering the same way as us, like a couple of years time, tension might seem to die down but remember this child came from me and Pac, things are guarantee to happen if we don't raise the child right.

'Girl you aight, you seem quiet' Mary noticed

'Yeah.....I'm just thinking' I said '.....Um can I just leave you guys for a minute, Imma make a quick phone call' I said

I don't care how many times I call him but I NEED to tell him!