The Aftermath

78🥀

April 1998:
Justine

I wish I really just skipped the Grammys today, you know how long it took me to find people to look after Brie. Jennifer, Faith, Mary, Tupac are all going to the Grammys tonight, Cliff out of town, Sira and her girls are also coming to the awards. I could've asked Ginuwine but he looking after his son and I don't want to give him extra work. My parents were really the last hope I had and I'm thankful they are free.

I wore a burgundy spaghetti strap maxi mermaid dress on. My hair was jet black, just reaching my shoulders. I had on gold jewellery on and wore strap black heels.

To be honest, I really didn't want to leave this hotel I was staying in, I just wanted to be with my baby.

I sat right in front of the mirror, just staring at the wooden table my elbow was kneeling on.

I don't know why I felt like this, it was a bit weird for me just to be feeling mad for no reason.

'MISS SKYERS!' I heard a voice as they banged on the door gently

'COME IN!' I shouted

The door was opened at it was my bodyguard. From now on, he would have to escort me literally everywhere. Like it's nothing new to me but this time it's extreme.

'You ready to go ma'mam?' He asked

'Please, just call me Justine I feel old when you call me ma'mam' I said

'Oh, Sorry Justine' he apologised

'No need to' I lightly smiled 'and just give me a minute, I'll be right there'

'Okay' he walked out closing the door

I feel like I've got this poetic Justice kind of fever on me, like I know before I wrote stuff but that was because I was depressed but at the same time it let me express me feelings on paper.

I took out the little scrap book that was in the draw and opened it up to the last page I wrote on.

I didn't know what to write, I had all sorts of emotions that were just mixed. I decided writing some words down on how I felt.

Not loved......that one is a sticky one. I don't know why I put that one there.....oh well I'll probably realise why later on.

I looked up at the clock and it read 5pm. I quickly put my book back where it was and made my way to the door to exit the room.

'I'm ready now' I said walking out

.........

45 minutes into the show and I feel like shit. I don't wanna be here, I don't know why I brought myself here, I just depressed as fuck and I don't know why. It's so weird, I've never really felt like this before.

They put me in the same row as Tupac but I wasn't sitting next to him. I wonder how he was holding up there, I wonder if he good.

I was so busy worrying about myself and thinking about Pac that I didn't even realise I won an award. Everyone was clapping, looking my direction and I'm like what the fuck is going on. I heard my song angel on mine come on as well so that shocked me too.

'Girl you just got awarded' I heard Mariah say to me

'Oh shit' I jumped up quickly

I felt his stares but I ignored them as I was too busy trying to get my ass on the stage.

'What did I get awarded for?' I asked

'Best Female R&B vocal performance'

You know I really did think I wasn't gonna get that award, I though Erika would've beaten me to it.

I finally got myself together as I got to the podium after receiving my award.

Shit was heavy man!

'Well......well I just wanna start of saying thank you, I really thought I wasn't gonna get this award, really. I wanna praise Erika Badu because girl you sing so good, I thought you were gonna win this award' I praised 'I wanna say thank you to my friends, my family all of y'all that have been there for me, yo I don't know what I would do without y'all.'

I thought that was going to be the end of my speech but something told me to just let it out.

I took a deep breathe before letting everything out 'You know, just looking at this award in my hand now just makes me think, damn I've come a long way. Ten years, ten years since my first music video.I've been picked on, cheated on more than once, sexually assaulted, abused physically and verbally, I've been shot and shot at......So many things that have happened to me and I still didn't let that stop me. 'I started to tear up 'To be honest I thought 1996 was going to be the end for me it saddens me how I nearly gave up my talent because I was scared, hurt and at one point wanted to die.I thought blocking people from me, shutting them out would cure the feelings I had would heal me, it only damaged me even more. I look at myself today and say thank God I'm still here today. My girls, you know who you are, Method Man But I know him as Cliff, My family that has been behind my back since day one, My baby girl.....Mummy loves you and one person I would like to thank and also say sorry to, my best friend, My rider, Pac.Damn I'm getting so emotional......I want you to know that I love you, I'll always love you even if I don't show it, I love you so so so much, the only man I've loved. I'm so sorry for leaving you behind, not being there for you when you needed me to be there, I'm sorry for not loving you back.I was being selfish and too dumb to realise that, I just hope that you would forgive me, that's all I ask.' I begged

I finally wrapped up my sentence with a final statement and the whole room was filled with clapping, I got standing ovations too, my friends tearing up.

It was so good having everything of my chest finally, I feel cleansed and I'm ready to start a new with no more drama hopefully.