Lust and Love

😰28 - "If this is our goodbye.."

Here I am right now.

I feel so blank.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know whom do I run to.

I can't think of better decisions.

I once again feel the greatest fear. If my divorce with Marc was my rock bottom, this one will make me hit deep to the mantle and core. My divorce with Marc was not just the end of my marriage, but also the end of the family that I've dreamed and worked so hard to build. But this one could be my end with Alex, end of my reputation, end of my career. Losing everything. That damn 5-second video can destroy my entire life.

Just numbly standing inside my house in Beverly Hills, in front of the door, alone, waiting for a significant visitor. I'm standing straight and still. But my soul is floating. I don't feel myself alive anymore even if I still am.

Holding only my phone, the last message I got was from Beau. He tells me if I'm not going to sneak out with him tonight, my life ends tomorrow.

Few moments of just waiting here, the door finally opens, revealing the person I've been longing to see.

"Miss Lopez!" He hugs me so tight. So tight cause he's been so worried about me.

I decided to see Ryan tonight. I told Alex I had to see Beau cause we agreed to settle things between us. Alex insisted he would go with me for my safety but I convinced him Beau wants it to be just the two of us and promises to not to do any harm on me. Alex believed me though, and because there's no way he could argue with me.

I decided to see Ryan instead cause there's no way I would sleep with that stupid skinhead anymore. Fuck that blackmail. I just want a proper farewell to Ryan.

"Miss Lopez, how are you doing now? I'm sorry I've done nothing but I promise I will stick with y-"

"Shhh.." I put a finger on his lips. "Calm down." I whisper then I show him Beau's last message.

He gets furious after reading and say, "We can't calm down Jen! It's your life we're talking about. The life you've been working so hard. No, we can't just let him-"

"Ryan, fuck me. Fuck me right now." I put my hand on his shoulder so I could pull him closer. "If I'm going to die tomorrow, at least you are the last person who made me happy."

"Jen, what's wrong with you?! Are you mad?" He asks surprisingly.

"I'm not mad, Ryan. Come on, let's have sex."

He removes my hands off of him.

"Look Jennifer, you're just saying that because there's too much going on in your head. Sex is not the solution. You may be happy while we do it but it won't last."

"Why Ryan?! We've done it a couple of times anyway and lately you've been a coward that won't pleasure me! Is there something wrong? You don't see me attractive anymore, do you? Or now you just realize our age gap and now you feel so pathetic but too late for that!"

Ryan couldn't keep an eye contact with me. He looks away even if I try to match with his eyes but he just won't look back at me.

"No. It's not because of that." He says in a very low voice I can't almost hear.

"Then what!"

"I'm feeling something I don't understand and I need to figure this out!"

"Well, tell me about it Ryan! What are you feeling? Are you feeling sick about me? Then good! It won't be hard for us to forget everything and act like nothing happened at all.."