He's still haunting me.
He's constantly creeping into my dreams.
He's still in my wild fantasies.
He can still make me feel ecstasy like he always did.
He's still my most favorite nightmare.
A nightmare that I know someday would crash me into pieces...
It's been five days ago when that emotional moment happened. Ryan and I decided to give each other space so that we can reflect about all the things. I made myself busy and went back to making appearances in public. I had been to Vegas 3 nights in a row already for my shows and meet & greets. I had been posting a lot recently about Shades of Blue and been retweeting and replying to fans' tweets about how much they missed Harlee. I also got in touch with World of Dance. It was all exhausting but fun.
I've been working out together with Alex and had some quality time with the kids during the father's day.
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I've done a lot in just five days, and it's all because I want to distract myself. But still, the pain is never healing. I need to cover up and make everything seem okay. Anyone who would speak of JLo, they would think I'm having a perfect life right now. Like I'm on cloud nine. But that's just what artists do. My problems are my problems. If Kylie Jenner managed to hide her pregnancy for 9 months, then it's not impossible for me to hide what I'm truly going through right now, too.
I wonder why it hasn't come to the world yet: the video. I was waiting for that to spread and readied myself. Beau had said that if I won't come that night, he's gonna leak that 5-second video the following day. But it's five days already. But I'm so glad it didn't, tho. But still, I also still worry.. Who knows, he will suddenly leak it any day by now out of nowhere.
I have so much in my mind while taking a shower. I close my eyes while kneeling on the floor and let the cold water soak my skin, my entire tired body. My tensed muscles feel relaxed. I want to wash away all the negative energy in me.
Almost a week already but in my mind, I still think about what Ryan told me. And it makes me realize Alex is too good for me. And I hate myself for hurting such a good man. I don't deserve him. Ryan was wrong.
My conscience is not letting me sleep this recent nights. I need to let this out before this kills me. But I just don't know how to..
"Alex papi.." I slowly approach him, as I get out of the shower in our bedroom, after I thought of all lthose things.
"Yes, love?"
He is on our bed waiting while he's just randomly scrolling on his iPad. We didn't shower together and sometimes we're just really like that.
"I need to tell you something." I say for starters. I hurriedly put on my nighties and then go beside him on our bed. As soon as I did, perhaps he notice my serious tone, so he puts the gadget on the nightstand right away.
"You've been doing a lot lately. I'm so proud of you." He cups my face and looks at me sincerely.
His innocent face is really breaking my heart. His innocence behind all the dark problems I'm having..
"Thanks," I smile at him. But it is then followed by a tear slowly rolling down. I bit my lips nervously. I know I'm going to have an emotional breakdown again and I don't like it. But this is it, there's no going back.
