Lust and Love

💞35 - One Last Time

Monday. The day which everyone really hates. But since it's already summer and school's over, there's no need to get the kids to school and alike.

Here, right now, just finished doing a peaceful yoga with Alex outside the house. I preferred it done outside since it's still morning and you can see the beautiful view outside. I always liked the color green and seeing them gives me peace and it clears my mind. Green relaxes me.

But just as I suddenly think after for some little meditation, I thought of one person. Ryan. When I closed my eyes to obtain a peace of mind, my mind unintentionally thinks of him. I wonder what he's up to these days?

Stupid him. How can he fuck me for a couple of times then suddenly stops it cause he confessed that he actually loved me? He fell in love with me again? What a fool, isn't he? Does he think after all the things that happened to me, to us, were so easy for me? I mean what, what was he thinking after he told me he chose me? Is he thinking that I'd do the same? That I'll love him back, choose him and leave Alex? Right, Alex is being too good to me and I definitely don't deserve him. Should I just go with Ryan? Or should I just get back with Alex..

I sigh and finally open my eyes. And as I do, Alex opens his too. I glance at him and he glances back.

I start, "Alex.."

"Yes, Jen?"

I decided to just tell him what had Ryan told me cause I'm really getting tired with these unfinished businesses around here. Also, I still have to officially finish things with Beau. With us still sitting on our yoga mats, I say, "Ryan says he loves me. So much. And he makes me feel it, too."

Alex is just looking at the mat, nodding. Then I just continue, "Then next, he breaks up with his girlfriend cause he said he.. h-he chose me."

I hope I do the best decision.

He then looks at me, waiting for my next sentence. I don't know why but this conversation is making me cry, which, I really don't want to. I think I'm gonna get my period soon or something cause I'm being so emotional!

"But I think.. It's best if I should just let him go. It's for the good of everyone.."

Oh my God.. Why are those words seem to be the hardest words I've ever uttered?

"The real question is," Alex speaks up after a bit of silence. "Do you still love me?" His voice with a trail of real doubt and confusion followed with sadness.

"I love you.. Everything is not easy for me but.. All I need is to find a way how to finally say goodbye to him then I can go on with my life with you." I say, trying to sound as if I'm so sure of everything. That I can make everything okay.

"You should talk to him." Alex says, his idea making me oddly nervous. "Go and meet up with him. If you want to end things with him, you should have your proper goodbyes."

I can't believe he would suggest me such thing. My reaction? I hug him and he hug me back, not caring if we were sweating a while ago. Thank God I managed myself not to cry. We share a really long hug, too.

"Since when was yoga became so romantic and touchy?" Natasha comes joking as she sees both of us.

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Because I want things to happen right away, 4pm of the same day and I just arrive at Ryan's place in Beverly Hills. When was the last time I've been here? I already forgot..