The Item of Many Items

How the Battle of the Five Armies Should Actually End

As many of you know, *spoilers if you don't* two of the world's favorite dwarfs are destined to die in the last installment of the Hobbit. Of course, Thorin dies too, which is...regrettable, but he did ask for it. Anyway. With the whole Tauriel-Kili wierd love affair deal going on, she's probably going to die trying to save him or something. I honestly have nothing against Tauriel she just feels wrong to me, get away from the Prince of Mirkwood, and please leave Kili alone. Although yay for PJ supporting inter-racial relationships or whatever. Who knows. Anyway, I wrote this interesting conclusion for the Battle of the Five Armies for the lovely @feathertailsilver based on a rather odd conversation we had on one of the earlier chapters of this installment. Anyway,

Enjoy! (Or maybe not)

The battle raged on among the Dwarves, Elves, and Men. With so little aid, they would surely fall, but Thorin, helm upon his brow, urged them on, rallying the company of dwarves with his racous cries of revenge. The goblins and Orcs were gaining on them, and honestly Kili could not see how they were going to get out of this alive. He mentally sent a prayer to Mahal, begging him to comfort his mother in these times. A demented face loomed up before him, and he decapitated the Orc with a clean swipe. His arms felt like lead. Taking a fortifying breath, he backed up a few steps, only to find himself surrounded in a sea of goblins. There was no room to nock an arrow, and his sword, from cleaving so many helms, was tattered and chipped. Suddenly, hair blazing red, the elf Tauriel, captian of the Mirkwood guard, leaped into the fray, slashing with uncanny speed among the scattered goblins. Kili sighed, relieved. She seemed to have a knack for always being there for him. With the help of the Elves, who doubled their numbers in the critical part of the battle, soon only a few vile beasts remained, who were quickly dispatched. Soldiers re-formed, sending out small parties to recover the dead. Among them, Kili noticed with a sinking heart, was Thorin. He had acted rashly, and this was his payment. He turned away, tears stinging his eyes. Through all his faults, Thorin had been a good uncle, like a father to Kili and his brother. His brother....where was he? 

Kili ran as best he could through the mire of blood and earth until he heard a weak cry. "Kili," coughed a young blond dwarf to his left. "Brother!" he exclaimed, running to him. He knelt on the spongy ground, soothing Fili with his words as he assesed his injuries. He looked as if his left leg was broken, baybe a few ribs, but his eyes were bright and Kili knew he would be okay. "Thorin?" questioned Fili with difficulty. "Dead," Kili said shortly. There would be a time to grieve, but it was not now. Fili understood his unspoken words, and stayed silent. With a groan, Kili picked up his brother and made for the healers.

*****************************A week later*******************************

The remaining dwarves, along with the Halfling and Gandalf, headed back towards the path they had taken to Erebor what seemed so long ago. They had to pass through Mirkwood, and although Kili really did not have any particular desire to visit with the Elvenking, the woods were calm and Gandalf knew the way. The deep thrumming of horse hooves alerted everybody, and Gandalf ordered the company to halt. Three elves burst out of the trees, all mounted on the pale steeds that were common among their folk. On one of them was Tauriel, and she regarded him closely. His skin prickled uncomfortably. He admired her, but she was so intimidating. At one time, he thought that maybe, something could happen between them, but...she was an elf. And with her, he always felt undermined, like he was just a silly young dwarf with no regard for the world. She dismounted in one fluid motion and stepped towards him. "Kili, may we speak for a moment?" Gandalf looked confused, and Bilbo looked exasperated, but nobody objected, so he quickly followed her into the trees. "Yes...?" he asked nervously. "Kili, I...I'm glad you are alright," she finished, with a pink tinge in her cheeks. "Yes, so am I," he joked, trying to lighten the mood. But he had to tell her. She seemed like...

He spoke. "Tauriel, you are a very talented elf, and very attractive, but our futures do not intertwine any longer." He tried to be gentle, but it came out abrubt. "But..." Her hazel eyes widened, and he saw a tinge of hurt in them. "I understand." she finished, with short finality. "Farewell, Kili." She called her horse and took off through the forest, not once looking back. Kili thought he should feel bad about what he did, but to be honest he just felt relieved. "An' there's our lad, back in one piece!" said Gloín, who was joined by snickers. Kili laughed with them, and they set off anew. 

***************************Meanwhile**************************************

Tauriel reached the Palace of the Elvenking in tears. She knew that nothing could happen, deep down, but it hurt for him to tell her like that. She hurriedly wiped her eyes, praying she looked somewhat sane, and entered the dim corridors of the palace. Thranduil, the Elvenking, stepped out from a doorway. "Ah, Tauriel," he said. "Here I have an Orc for interrogation!" She smiled, rage filling her heart. How dare he hurt her like that? She would take her anger out on the filthy Orc. She entered the room and began to question the him, holding her dagger close to his throat. "What a pretty she-elf!" he rasped, contorting his mouth into a mocking grin. Tauriel felt a little shock as he said this. Kili had never called her pretty. "What did you say?" she asked, removing her dagger. "You're very pretty," the Orc replied, standing up. "I am?" she replied, softer this time. "Yesh," he snarled. "What if we forget this nasty business and....you can tell me why you're upset?" She broke down again, not caring who saw. She told the Orc everything that had happened. In the back of her mind, she heard a voice saying why are you talking to an Orc? Hmmm?  but she ignored it, lapping up the apparent concern that this being seemed to have for her. Revenge bubbled up inside of her. How would Kili like it if word got out that she was with an Orc? She smiled through her tears and sat down on the floor of the room next to the Orc. "What's your name?" she said. "Mine's Tauriel." 

Although it worked, for a while at least, Tauriel at last met her end during an argument with her beloved, the Orc, Hurgvaskul. They had been discussing the dynamics of interior design when Hurgvaskul insisted he liked black draperies, with Tauriel pleading for green. "Green causes me much pain," he snarled. "Do you like pain?" she spat angrily. "No, darling, but you do," grinned the Orc, raising his black knife. And so it was that Tauriel passed out of this realm, into the Undying Lands. 

I'm so sorry *laughs* Moral of the story: Never marry an Orc! I feel so mean ahahahah!