The Item of Many Items

Not Snow White and the Thirteen Dwarves (an interesting tale)

Disclaimer: I wrote this at like midnight and I have no idea why. No, it's not supposed to make sense. Have an interesting time.

Once upon a time, there lived in a grand palace a young Hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. He was the son of the Queen of the Shire, and she lovingly raised him with all the care a mother could give. However, by little Bilbo's 20th birthday, she could see that he would be the most beautiful Hobbit in the whole universe. She had a magic silver plate that gave her advice, and one day, she spoke to it.

"Plate, plate, on the table, give me advice if you are able!" The plate shone like glass and a voice said: "I see, my Queen, what is your demand. Is Bilbo the prettiest in all the land?" She nodded, and the plate thought for a while.

"My Queen, I fear this news is bad. Your son is prettier than his dad. As we both know, this now does mean--that Bilbo is prettier than the queen!" The queen had a mental breakdown and suddenly turned evil.

"I will catch that nasty hobbitsessssss!" she hissed. "And shave off all hissss hairsss!" She hired a wizard named Gandalf to catch Bilbo and shave off all his hair. Even his eyelashes. However, when Gandalf saw Bilbo, he knew that the Queen was psycho and turned into Gollum. Plus he was nice. So, he took Bilbo to a stream and told him to follow it. Well, it took Bilbo 100 days to follow the river, but since Gandalf told him to, and he didn't seem creepy, he did it anyway. Finally, he reached a single solitary peak in the middle of a random burnt place with no trees.

"Oh, great," said Bilbo. "He was a creeper after all." However, he was going to faint, and surely the evil Queen couldn't find him in a mountain. He climbed the mountain and went in the gates, which were broken. He looked around. There were piles and piles of everything everywhere-gold, plates, silverware, armor, more gold, and other various items.

"Hello?" he called.

"HEEEELOOOO!" rumbled a large voice. Bilbo was extremely intimidated so he hid under the piles of money. Except for it failed because he landed on a dragon.

"Hello, small thing," the Dragon said cheerfully. Bilbo fainted.

He woke up a few hours later. It was dark, and he was warm. He was in a rather uncomfortable bed, though, and as he turned, landed on a spike which impaled him. Bul luckily he was wearing armor. "Help," he said weakly. A huge golden eye blinked down at him.

"What can I do for you?"

"W-who are you?" stuttered Bilbo, still terrified.

"Oh, I'm Smaugly. Smaug for short. I used to be chiefest and greatest of calamities but it got so tedious, do you know? So I retired. I am now the housekeeper of Thorin Oakenshield. Plus I still get to sleep in all this gold."

"You're a housekeeper?" Bilbo said, sitting up. "That's really...unique!" The Dragon looked modestly down at his huge claws. Bilbo kind of felt like fainting again.

"I'm really hungry, Smaug. Do they have food?"

"Maybe," he replied. "I'll check." The dragon sauntered off, dusturbing huge piles of gold as he went. Bilbo got up and tried to find an exit. Sketchy Queen or not, he's rather face her than the Dragon.

"Not leaving already, are you?" inquired a voice from behind him. Oh. Great.

"N-no, of c-course not, why would you t-think...?" Bilbo squeaked. Smaug carried a huge plate of what looked like fried chicken.

"What is that?" Bilbo asked. "Fried duck," the Dragon said. "I fried it myself! Sorry about the plate, Thorin breaks the dishes. Had to use one of mine." Bilbo shrugged, thanked him, and began to eat.