Finding Dean :.a Supernatural Fanfic.:

Chapter twenty-one

I slowly got into the car and just looked at my brother-in-law. He didn't meet my eyes as he quickly put the car in reverse and began driving.
The drive was silent for the entire trip back to the hospital, I didn't know what to say and he didn't want to say anything.
When he finally found a place to park, he turned the car off but didn't move to get out. Neither did I.
"Does Dean know?" I asked, not looking at him. He took a shaky breath.
"No. And I'd appreciate if you didn't tell him. I have this under control."
"Says every addict ever." I said, making a move for the door handle.
"I'm not an addict, Lucy. I know what I'm doing. And it's not drugs. Alright? Now can we please drop it?" I press my lips and opened the door, just wanting to see my family. I was about to get out when I felt his hand gently grab my arm, stopping me. I turned back and looked at Sam's face, calmer than it was before.
"Please don't say anything to Dean. I'm not ready for him to know yet and it's better if comes from me. I will tell him." I nodded once.
"Fine. But I find out you're doing this around my kids, you won't be worrying about Dean."

I walked up to the NICU, saying hi to the nurses that I've come to recognize. I turned a corner to see Castiel standing in front of me. I gasped and jumped back, placing a hand to my chest as if that was going to stop my racing heart.
"Damn it Cass. Don't do that." I said, going to walk around him. I was still monumentally pissed at him for this.
"Lucy wait. Please. I wanted...I need to apologize." I turned to face him. "I should have known Alastair would do something like this and I kept Anna anyway. I'm so sorry." I was fully facing him now, a scowl on my face. I slowly walked up to him and slapped his.
"You're damn right you should have known." I said through my teeth. "I was chained to a chair. I was pregnant and you couldn't have cared less because you got what you wanted. All I got was a stab wound and a premature baby in an incubator." Tears where streaming down my face now. Cass just looked at me, I could see the regret in his eyes. Angels weren't supposed to have human emotions. Thats what Dean said anyway.
"I'm so sorry." I flinched when he held two fingers to my forehead but soon felt relief flood through me as the pain went away.
"I can't help your son but I can promise he won't die. He will survive this. I swear it." He had healed me. I was no longer in pain and my stitches were gone.
"That's going to be a bitch to explain to the doctor." I mumbled. I went to thank him and ask more about Jon but he was gone. So I slowly turned on my heals and went on my way to the NICU.

I walked back to the area my son was staying in and watch Dean with him. It wasn't until I got closer that I realized he was talking to him. I stopped to listen, knowing he wasn't aware of my presence.

"Hey Jonny. I haven't been able to see you much but I want you to know that I love you just like I love your brothers and your sister. I'm so sorry this happened. You weren't supposed to be here yet and that's my fault. I should have tried harder to save your mom from that demon but I couldn't and for that I'm sorry. I'll never forgive myself if something happens to you." I couldn't believe he blames himself. I also don't know why I'm surprised by that. He blames himself if I drop a nickel. I just watched for a few more minutes before walking up to him. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he covered it with his own.
"Feel better?" He asked, not looking up. I smiled and leaned over to wrap my arms around my husband's shoulders. I nuzzled into his neck and kissed him before pulling away, resting my chin there, just looking at our son.
"Yeah." I answered. "Much better."

Keeping Sam's secret was horribly hard. Dean didn't seem to notice so I just didn't say anything. I wanted to tell him his brother was in trouble but I couldn't. He didn't need that right now, especially when I could tell things were taking their toll on the older brother, husband, and father.
He says nothing and I still don't know what the hell is going on but he wasn't handling it well. He has nightmares and he's starting to drink even harder than before which would worry me more if the kids were around more right now.

I woke up one night screaming. The nurses had sent both of us home and Sam is staying with Jon. It was easier being away from him now knowing that he's going to be okay.
"Lucy! Hey, I'm right here. Wake up!" I shot up from the bed and struggled for a few minutes before Dean was finally able to calm me down. I cried for a few minutes before I finally pulled away and stood to go to the bathroom.
I came back out and I noticed Dean looked a little upset. I felt bad because I knew me having nightmares was causing it but I didn't know how to deal. I had nightmares with the whole Carlos incident but they went away pretty quick, maybe within a week. Same with when Dean came back from hell. I had nightmares of him dying almost every night until about a week or two after he came back and I never really had nightmares when Dean was with me, it was always when he was away on hunts. I couldn't shake the feeling that I may not exactly bounce back from this one.
"Lucy, maybe you...maybe you should see someone." He suggested quietly as I sat  back next to him. See someone?
"You mean like a shrink?" He nodded so I though about it for a minute.
"I will when you will."