My brother's best friend

Chapter 39 - i'm not ready to give up

"I have no fucking idea." Shawn says. He looks a mess. We both are not sure of our feelings and everything is really messed up.

"I know I want to be with you. I know that every time we talk I want to keep talking with you forever. I know that every time we kiss, I want to keep kissing you forever. I want to tell Lucas. Let me talk to him." He says. What the fuck? Is he serious?

Wow. He must deeply care about me. I'm flattered that he wants to do everything he can for me. For us. But is this what I want? Do I want to be with him?

I know that I want him, and yes to be with him. But to be honest it's kind of fun that we need to hide and it's a secret. It makes it hot. Not that That he needs it to be more hot, trust me. Shawn's enough in that department.

But still, I'm really scared of telling Lucas. I'm terrified If I'm honest. I know this will hurt him. I can't hurt him. He is my brother. The only person that truly cares about me doesn't deserves to get hurt by me. I can't do this. I know I want Shawn. I know I want to start a relationship with him, Since I was 8 I imagined how it would be, but now that the opportunity finally came... I'm not sure I want it anymore.

"Don't" I say. "Don't talk to him. Go to your parents. I think it will be good for us to stay some time apart. I think that after all the shit that we've been throw we just need to stay some time apart and to see where we are headed..." I say.

"Ok cool" he says. He isn't even looking at me anymore. He bends over and he lifts my shirt from the floor. "Here" He says handing me the shirt. He isn't smiling. He is cold as a stone. He walks out of my room and he starts packing his stuff.

I put my shirt on and I go over to him. "That's not what I meant, Shawn I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean you should go right now. It's really late. Stay another few days.." I say.

"No I think I should go" he says. "Fine. Whatever" I say and I go to my room.

My door is open and I can see Shawn's packing for like the last hour and he is almost done. Most of his things are at his parents house anyway so he didn't have a lot to pack. He looks at me through the open door.

I shrug. I don't know what to do. I fell kind of bad that I told him to go. But seriously, this has to stop. My head hurts already. At first I rejected him, apparently. Than he rejected me and than it kind of bounced between us. Why can't we just decide if we are together or not? Like normal people.

Shawn walks over to my room. "Come with me to New York" He says. "What?" I ask. I don't understand where is that coming from.

"You already said yes" he says. "Wow, Shawn. I said it this morning, a lot of things have changed since." I say.

"Nothing has changed. Come with me" He says. "This is weird. I can't.." I say. "Why don't you want to come with me?" He asks. "It's more complicated than want.. I told Lucas I can't come with him. What will he say if I'm in New York with you instead?" I ask. "He won't find out because he will be in L.A. come on B. stop making excuses"

"Why is it so important for you that I'll come?" I ask. "Because I want to be with you alone for a few days. Without Lucas. Without Brittney. Just me and you. That never happened before. I want to see where this.. goes." He says pointing on himself and than on me. "And I'm not ready to give up on you. I know you said that you are done. But I'm not." He says.

"I don't know..." I say. There is so much more than what he claims. I can't just go with him to New York. That's just...

Shawn closes the door. He comes over to me pushing me on the bed. He jumps on me and he is almost kissing me. "I'm ready to tell Lucas about us. I want you to know that you mean so much to me." He says. He leans closer and closer and out lips are almost touching. "I'll wait for an answer." He whispers, I thought he will kiss me but he didn't. He just got up and walked out of the room smiling.

Well played Mendes, well played.