My brother's best friend

Chapter 38 - once and for all

"I don't know" I say honestly. "So I think we should stop this and I'll go to my parents." He says.

"No. Shawn.. look," I say standing up. "I can't tell you I love you. At least not now. If that's what you wanted to hear from me than I'm sorry but I can't say it. But listen to me, I know" I'm looking in to his eyes holding his face.. "I know, that I have feelings for you. And you are not just another regular guy. I do care about you.. and I do want to be with you, so badly. But I, I just don't know" Shawn looks into my eyes. He is tearing a bit. This is a very emotional day.

"Remind me why we can't be together again?" He asks softly. "Shawn, don't forget you are the one that said at first we can't be together. You are the one who pulled off." I say. "I know. I just don't remember why? What's the reason?" He asks.

"Lucas. We can't do that to him." I say. "That's we secretly dated" he says.

"Ok and let's say we are secretly darting again.. how long before Lucas finds out and stops talking to us both?" I ask.

"I don't know, and to be honest I don't really care. All my life I tried to be that good kid that everyone love and that innocent kid that can't do anything bad, or wrong. Well fuck that. Because I want you. And you want me too." He says kissing me.

"Wait, Stop stop stop" I say pushing him a bit. "What?" He asks.

"This is not you, you are talking with the hit of the moment and I know you, you care too much about Lucas to hurt him like that." I say.

He tried to kiss me again ignoring completely what I just said. I stop him again, don't get me wrong... Wanting him to kiss me, him not giving a shit. Him acting all bad and careless suddenly, That's really hot and I like that. But I can't let him do that.

"What if Lucas finds out about us and stops talking to us both and than we break up? What would you do? Will it be worth it?" I ask.

"Yes. It will. You don't even understand how much time I waited for you to kiss me. I want you, I'm so close to getting what I want. I thought that if I'll try to ignore my feelings it will work and everything will just fade away. But that's not fucking working." He says.

"Well we will have to try work this out." I say. "How can you treat me like this?" He asks. "What do you mean?" I ask. "You know I have feelings for you. You knew I have feelings for since we kissed. You felt it. I know you felt it. Why are you keep playing me like that?" He asks.

"Shawn. What the Fuck. You are so stupid. I FUCKING HAVE.. uham... Sorry," I remembered that Lucas is in his room and he can probably hear Everything. " I fucking have feelings for you. I want you. I want to kiss you and I want to be with you. I know that that's how you feel too. But I'm just trying to stop hurting people and for once to be happy. And it's hard doing those things at the same time. I know I messed up and that I dragged you in to my shit. But I never meant to play with you like you are saying." I whisper.

"Well that's what happening.." he says looking upset. "Well, I don't know what to do about it.." I say. "What am I supposed to do?" I ask. "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know" he says. "Tell me, Shawn. Tell me. What? You want me to kiss you?"
"Yes"
"You me want to hug you?"
"Yes"
"You me to be your friend? To date you?"
"Yes"

"What. Shawn tell me what you want!?" I say.

There is an awkward silence and I decided to kiss him again. I know this is probably the wrong/worst thing to do at this point but I don't care anymore. I just want all this messed up shit to disappear.

He stops me and he looks at me, I can see inside he wants to kiss me again. And I know that I want to kiss him. But we just can't. And I hate that. Why do we need to be scared all the time?

"Kiss me" I say letting my desires speak for me. "No I can't. We can't. That's it. I'm done" He says taking a step backwards.

"Ok, Shawn, Tell me now. Once and for all. What do you want from me?!?!" I ask.