Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Eighteen

I stared down in horror at the empty bowl that sat in my hands.

I know billie had at least half but the food was now good. I'd eaten a good 100-150.. all to my hips.
I try not to think about it. I try not to panic. But reality is it's all I can think about.

I took a deep breath in before heading inside again. Billie followed behind me hardly taking her eyes off me.

Billie and fin decided they needed to finish the songs they had half written so we headed upstairs and began working, well they worked and I sat in the corner of the room on the bed, trying to act like I didn't exist.

Fat, ugly, dark circles, hips to wide, legs to fat, arms to flappy.

The voices sang in my head, over and over again.

BILLIES POV.

We had a lot to do. It was December and would be Christmas in only a few days I desperately wanted to get the song out for the fans before Christmas. we already had Lovely ready but i wanted to realise something else too. the current song i was working on was called 'six feet under'

i sat on my bed messing with different cords and words seeing what worked well together

"Retrace my lips
Erase your touch
It's all too much for me
Blow away
Like smoke in air
How can you die carelessly?" i sang, writing the words down. i liked them.

i looked at lily who was watching a video on her phone.

putting down the guitar i turned to her

"how are you going to cope with christmas?" i asked her.

"fine" was all she could reply i knew her brain was giving her hassle about eating so i didn't take it personally

"you sure? there will be lots of people and food around.."i said. i was worried it would be too much for her

"ill be fine" she said. no emotion. just words.

i sighed, i wasn't going to get anything out of her right now.

i turned back to my song and kept writing

-

days had passed it was now 23rd of December. i had made progress with lily she was now eating every other day sometimes days in a row. she wouldn't eat much, an apple, some fruit or veg. she didn't like carbs or processed foods. but i was just glad she was eating.

we had family coming over today they'd be staying till the 27th for Christmas. me and lily had decided we would get each other one gift with a budget of £20. id gotten her a coffee mug that says "your so much more then a number on the scale" and filled it with chocolate and sweets

i could tell lily was stressed about Christmas, whether she wanted to admit it or not. this was her first one without Jake, her first one here with a bunch of strangers. i knew this would be a really hard time for her.

she walked back into the room after taking a bath and i sighed as i saw there was blood bleeding threw her jeans.

"lily.." i said as i got up off the bed and made my way too her, not taking my eyes off her leg.

"its fine" she said pushing past me to get to the chest of draws.

"please just let me take care of it, i dont want you getting an infection." she sighed but sat down on the bed rolling up her jeans. my eyes went wide at what i saw. these cuts where bigger and deeper then anything id ever seen her do before. i tried not to let my concern show as i grabbed some disinfectant and a tissue. she winced in pain when i touched her skin, making my heart sink.

"im sorry.." i said. feeling bad and helpless i couldn't do anything to help her. i tied it up in a bandage to keep it clean and sat on the bed next to her.

"whats going on?" i said. letting go of my smile, showing i truly was concerned

she hesitated and i wondered if she would ignore me but she took a deep breath and began to answer

"i've put on so much weight. what if your family dont like me."

"lily i can count your ribs just by looking at them.. this weight gain is healthy.. they won't hate you because you've gained a tiny bit of weight." she didn't respond and i'm fairly certain she wasn't listening to me she had shut down again. i was 3 sizes bigger than her, she was a size 6 and i was a 12. i didn't see myself as fat and i didnt understand how she could see herself as such.

i noticed as time ticked on lily got more and more nervous, she would pace the room. , pick at her skin, bite her lip stud and her breathing got faster by the minute. family where arriving at 6pm and it was 3pm now. i was worried by then she may just burst into flames.

she was currently pacing up and down the room, shed been doing so for the last 20 minutes. watching her made me feel sick.

"can you please come and sit down?" i said. she simple shook her head 'no'...fine i guess ill just make her sit down.

i walked over to her and picked her up. she weighed just under 7 stone so it wasn't hard to do

"put me down!" she yelled as she tried to break out of my grip. i threw her onto the bed, laughing. this only earned me a glare.

"pick a film." i said

"i don't feel like wat-"

"pick a film" i said again, cutting her off. she wouldn't feel like doing anything in this mood until she started doing it.

"love actually." she said threw her teeth.

"thank you" i grinned as i jumped onto the bed as i loaded up netflix.

she sat as far away from me as possible like a child throwing a tantrum.

"oh come here" i said forcing her into a hug, she sighed before finally giving in and cuddling with me