Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

The next morning I woke to the sound of gagging.
I quickly threw the covers off me and headed to the bathroom.

I was met by a very pale and very tired looking lily.

"Don't lecture me billie." She snapped,  her eyes refusing to meet mine

"You could have died."

"I said don't." She stood up her face close to mine before she shoved past me and walked out.

"You could have killed yourself. You nearly did." I said following behind her.

"Billie. I said fucking don't. I didn't even want to go. You know I had my issues and you walked me right into the doors of the drugs." She said turning around and raising her voice at me.

"I didn't know they'd be there!"

"You knew there'd be alcohol!!!" She nearly screamed.

"Are you really blaming me for this?" I asked. I was shocked when she didn't reply she just raised an eyebrow at me.

"Fine. I have shit to do." I said grabbing some clean clothes and opening the door to leave.

"Billie.." she finally spoke.

"No. Don't fucking talk to me till you've sorted your head out. Don't fucking speak to me till you realise who's been there for you all this time. Just don't fucking talk to me right now." I yelled At the top of my lungs. I felt regret as she flinched at my words and tears escaped both our eyes.

I turned away and slammed the door before she could see I was crying.

-

Me and fin had been recording and writing for a while but I just couldn't get any takes that I liked, I was too stressed over the lily drug situation. I was terrified this was only the start of her relapse.

There was a quiet knock on the door and I watched as fin went to go answer it.

I glanced towards the door to see who it was, expecting to see my mum.

A frail, pale and sad looking lily stood at the door.

Fin stepped aside to let her in and I tried to hide my annoyance from him.

"Billie can we please just talk." She said her voice cracking opening the flood gates.

"There's nothing to talk about." I said as I focused on the sheet music in front of me.

"Billie please." She begged.

"What? What do you want me to say? There's nothing left for me to say lily."

"I'm sorry. Please just listen to me."

"You have 5 minutes, then you need to leave." I snapped, I noticed fin glaring at me from the door, he didn't like how harsh I was being, my mother would scold me too if she was here.

"I didn't mean to blame you for what happened I just wish you'd be there to stop me, but I know that's not your fault."

"Why didn't you come find me?"

"I..I don't know I felt like I was just a problem.. look how many bad things have happened to you since I existed billie."

"I would have rather you found me then risking your life for some drugs and alcohol. we could have left and avoided this entire situation." My voice was cold but my heart was numb.

"I'm sorry. I will next time. Please look at me."

I slowly shifted my glance to her eyes.

"I don't know if I can forgive that easily babe. I watched you nearly die in my arms. I had to force you into being sick. I had to watch your half dead body in bed last night. What if I didn't find you when I did huh? You'd be dead. Do you know what that would have done too me?"

"I know. I'm sorry. I never meant for it to go that far I thought I'd be able to walk away after just once. But they offered me more and my mind just kept taking more. Please just give me one more chance..."

I sat silent for a while contemplating my options. My heart wanted lily back in my arms where I could keep her safe but my mind was hurt and wanted to be alone.

"If you ever do anything like that again.. I'm not kidding when I say I won't speak to you ever again. I can't go threw that kind of pain twice. It would kill me."

"You won't have too. I'm so sorry."

I ignored what she said

"Come here." I said motioning for her to sit on my lap. She obeyed as I wrapped my arms around her I felt like she generally did regret it but I still wasn't sure if she'd do it again or not.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or hurt you. I'm so sorry billie." She said over and over again whilst crying into my shoulder.

"I know.. I'm sorry too babygirl. It's ok." Nothing seemed to calm her down. I suddenly began to feel bad for yelling and screaming at her it was only now I realised she'd been beating herself up about it and I'd just made it worse.

Finneas closed the door after realising we'd figured it out and nobody was leaving. He took a seat at his keyboard piano and began messing with cords.

"Cause when all is said and done, my name's still on your tongue.. But tell me, why you gotta kick me when I'm down?.. You better pray I don't get up this time around." I sang and watched as Finneas scribbled down the words.

Lily sat up away from my chest and I noticed the colour drain from her face.

"You ok?.. You good?" I asked, panic returning to me. But she didn't reply. She quickly got up and made her way to the bathroom before being sick.

I hurried to her side and held her hair back as I rubbed her back with my other hand.

"Maybe you should see a doctor lil.. those drugs have fucked up your insides.."

"No. I can't. I'll be fine tomorrow."

I didn't understand her fear of the doctors, but then lily was scared of most things.

Fin stood by the door, he seemed concerned which only worried me more.