Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Fifty-Two

I got out of bed wearing only a long top that nearly went to my knees, and grabbed my dressing gown off the bunk above mine and billies.

I followed billie into the front of the bus for dinner, sitting down in the inside of the seats whilst waiting for food to be served. I glanced at the tv to the side of us to to see to the bone playing. Billie must have noticed the change in mood cuz I noticed her face change as she got up to turn it off.

The thought played in my brain of Ellen getting on the scales and how her body looked. I looked down at my legs and noticed the amount of fat on them.

At that moment the plate of food was placed in front of me. Bell pepper and hummus. Normally a safe food but now I Was triggered.

I looked around at what others had carbs, veggies and mock meats.

I pushed the plate away, scared breathing would soak in the calories.

Everyone around me shovelled food into there mouth whilst I just glared at the table.

I raised my hand to my opposite wrist closing my fingers around in a circle shape to make sure it still fit. At that moment I felt billies hand on mine pulling it away.

My eyes looked up to meet hers she looked concerned. I glanced at her plate and realised everyone else had already finished eating.

"Come on let's go back to bed.." She spoke slowly and softly as she picked up my food and headed back to the bedroom.

I took a seat on the bed with billie sitting next to me she placed the food down infront of me and that's when I started to panic.

Don't eat. She'll die. It's bad luck. Your fat already. Too many calories. You already ate.  You'll be sick.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I said standing up and walking into the tiny bathroom without giving billie a chance to respond.

When I stepped into the bathroom I noticed something that caught my eye, it caught my eye as it's never normally their before. A scale. Normally there taken away from me but this time it had been left out by mistake.

I stood starring at it for a little while before taking a shaky step on, curious as to what it may tell me.

My eyes went wide.

6.3st.

I'd never been this low before. My lowest before this was 7.8st.

The thoughts swirl in my brain as I start to feel tears getting ready to leak.

I crouched in the small bathroom as I tried to breath. My eating disorder never scared me before but I never understood how bad it was before I saw that number.

I'm going to die.

"Everything ok baby?" I heard billie say as she knocked on the door.

"I can't.." I croaked as the door opened. Billies eyes wondered from me to the scales and then back to me.

"Am I going to die?" I sobbed. She gave me a weak smile and I suddenly understood what I was doing to myself. She coached down to me wrapped her arms around me making me suddenly aware of all my bones. I shook her off in disgust of my body and state.

She held out her hand and I hesitated before taking it.
Leading me to the bed I sat on the edge as she pushed the food towards me.

"I can't.. I know I need to but I can't. Every time I try I just... I can't..." I sobbed trying to make sense of the stupid thoughts in my mind.

"Yes you can. Just focus on me. I'm real that voice isn't." She smiled but I'm too far into my head to fully understand what she says

"No I can't billie." I said as the tears spilled over and panic set in. The idea of being fat and Crane lifted out of bed filling my mind.

"Breathe..." billie reminded me as she stroked my back pulling me into her side.

"I can't do it, I don't want to be fat I don't want people to die." I sobbed

"Sshh Your ok. You won't be fat, you just got to eat the right food, veggies are healthy for you babe." I tried to listen to billie but the voices in my head where much louder.

"How about we go for a short walk, get outside for a bit then try again when we get back?" Billie suggested, I hardly processed what she said she was took my hand leading my sobbing body off the bus. I noticed her mum giving us a weak smile as we where led off.

"Tomorrow we are shooting more for the music video in the morning and then we have a long drive because in the evening we have a show. I think you should stay in the bus with my mum for the shoot and show.." Billie said. I was shocked she knew I always came to watch.

"No. I want to see." I argued

"I don't know if that's a good idea.."

"I'm going." I said strictly.

"Ok.. I guess." Billie sighed defeated, arguing with me in this mood was going to get her no where and she knew it just as well as I did.

The cold air hit my lungs and I took a deep breath in, suddenly able to breathe. Billie never letting go of my hand, a gentle reminder she was still there.

-

BILLIES POV.

Lily was asleep in the caravan when I went to speak to my mum, I was determined to get her to eat more but she was shattered, I'd decided to let her rest first.

"Hey I need to speak to you.." my mum said, her voice sounded distressed, this wasn't like her.

"Ok.." I said sitting down at the seat opposite her.

"When Jake died.. Lilys family weren't told.. they just found out and their claiming legal rights.. Lilys going to have to go back and move in with them.." my mum said avoiding my eye contact.

"What? Can they do that?" I nearly yelled.

"I'm afraid so.. they live quite far away but we can visit every few months or so.."

"Months?!" I yelled. Tears began escaping my eyes at the thoughts for not seeing lily for months at a time and I felt my mums arms wrap around me as she sat next to me.

"Billie?" A tired voice croaked. "What's going on?" It continued and my eyes met Lilys who were filled with concern.