Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Twenty-Six

i walked into the house, the air felt cold and unfamiliar. it no longer had that safe feeling i was so used to. I watched as maggie disappeared into the kitchen to cook and fin upstairs to work on music.

everyone was trying to get back to normal, but i wasn't sure what normal was. i watched as billie stood on the stairs waiting for me to follow but i couldn't. i knew it was pathetic i knew it was stupid but i couldn't help myself. i couldn't force myself to go into the bedroom, i couldn't stand the thoughts that would come with it.

"you coming?" billie smiled at me

i hesitated, thinking of a good excuse. but one never came.

"cant we just hang out down here? watch tv?" i suggested trying to make it seem normal

"sure.." she said, i knew she had a suspicion but she kept it to herself.

she threw herself down on the sofa and i laughed as her body bounced about.

she reached up and pulled me back down onto the sofa with her so i was now on top of her.

she covered us both in a blanket before turning to me and asking what i wanted to watch.

we debated for a while she wanted to watch a series like riverdale or iZombie whilst i wanted to watch a tv show like Drag race.

we ended up deciding to watch an episode of each starting with Drag Race seeming as by the time it was her turn id probably be asleep anyway.

the show lifted my moods, i always found books, tv or youtube lifted my mood. it was like being transported to another world which made me forget about my real world drama for at least a little while.

i hugged billie as close as possible as she laid her head on mine and gently stroked my hair. id missed this. id missed us. times like this was what i always wanted when i was with adam, i had desperately tried to get us to be this way but it didnt happen because it wasnt what adam wanted and i had let adam control me.

the credits came on and i heard maggie yell for dinner,

"ugggghhh" billie moaned as she rolled her eyes "you totally planned that" she moaned.

"not totally" i said winking at her as i sat up

she slipped out from under me and headed off to dinner, she knew there was no point asking me if i was eating, after what id been threw i think we both knew i wouldn't be eating for a few days

instead, i fell asleep.

-

BILLIES POV

i sat down with my mum and fin for dinner we were having some for dinner.

i smiled and thanked my mum as she sat down a plate of rice and steamed veggies

fin and mum talked about the new album, fins music and going out over the next few days but i remained quite i just wanted to finish and rejoin lily on the sofa.

we must have been half way threw the meal when i heard a noise, it was like a moan but coated in fear. i nearly threw myself off the chair when i realised it was coming from lily.

i rushed in to the living room and crouched by her side as i watched her jerk and volt. she was having another nightmare. i was used to them by now, id seen so many

i gently stroked her arm and watched her eyes jolt open and melt again as she realised she was ok. she sat up and began to cry. i didn't feel pity often but i felt it for her. i knew all she wanted was a normal life, a good life, a life she deserved but she didn't have one of those lives, she was stuck with the mental torture.

-

i cant explain what its like watching someone you love go threw so much pain, torture and then watching them be emotionally scarred after. its almost like going threw the pain with them.

its been 2 days since lily came home. every time she tried to sleep she has a nightmare, she hasn't eaten. ive noticed she get nervous when i leave the room, shes not herself. i dont know how to help her. all i want to do is scoop her up and fix her but i cant, i dont know how to fix her.

i sat on fins bed, him strumming his guitar and me somewhere deep inside my head. lily was down stairs watching tv. she couldn't bring herself to get into a bedroom.

"billie?" he said, i dont know why but it startled me.

"huh..what?"

" i said what are you thinking about?" he repeated, narrowing his eyes at me

"nothing.." i replied. i wasnt about to admit lily being sad was making me sad. no chance.

"It's clearly something bil." He said. I knew he wasn't going to drop it so I sighed and contemplated my options.

"It's just... I hate seeing lily so broken... so sad... I want her to be happy again." I said, little emotion showing in my voice.

"You know she will be ok, it just takes time. It'll be rough for a while but eventually she will get better."

"I know. I just.. it's hard seeing her like this.." I said looking down at my feet.

Fin didn't reply he just gave me a weak smile as he began strumming away and I went back thinking of lyrics.

-

Some time past and I walked down the stairs, I took note of how Lilys face lit up as she saw me approach her but I had bad news

"Hey." I said crouching down to meet her.
"Hello." She said pulled me close and softly kissing my lips. I wanted to smile but I was nervous of how she would take what I needed to say.
"Listen. My mums got friends coming over tonight. I know it'll be hard but we have to sleep upstairs tonight.." I said. Her face dropped, it wasn't sad or angry it was just unreadable. She simply replied "oh."