Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I hesitated by the door way as billie walked into her room so effortlessly, it made me somewhat envy her.. I wonder what it's like to live with out mental health conditions... It wasn't even that I was scared of being in the room with her, that wasn't it. It was more I was scared of the flash backs. The flashbacks I would get of what happened to me.

As I slowly walked into the room flashing billie a weak smile on the way in. It was a constant fight between flash backs and gripping onto reality. but I acted as if I was ok.

I sat on the bed, in the corner legs crossed as I lent up against the wall I let the thoughts take over.

-
BILLIES POV

I was happy lily had come in the bedroom but I knew it was hard for her, she was really struggling to not have flash backs of her past.

I watched as her face went blank, I knew she'd slipped away again.

"Hey." I said slowly leaning in front of her, putting my hands on her knees.

Her eyes snapped open and glossy tears filled her eyes but she didn't let them fall.

"Let's watch a film." I suggested, she didn't reply but she also didn't object when I dragged her under the duvet with me.

She didn't really watch any of the film, she just laid with her head resting on my chest occasionally tensing up when a flashback would start.. eventually she fell asleep on me.

I sat stroking her hair as I finished watching the film. I could hear my mums friends downstairs, they sounded like they where having fun. she often had friends round so this was nothing new.

My phone buzzed so I leaned and grabbed it off the side.

Finneas 20:30
Do you guys want food? There's loads of it.

Billie 20:32
Thanks. But lily is currently asleep on me!

Finneas 20:32
Shall I put some in the fridge?

Billie 20:34
Yes please!! Thank you.

-
The film was ending when suddenly a door slammed causing me to jump, Lily shot up panic in her eyes

"It's just a door." I said. Reaching to pull her back down next to me. She objected and move out of my way, so I couldn't reach her without moving.

"Lily it's just a door, it's ok" I said, slightly sterner then I meant too. I watched as a tear escaped her eyes and I sat up.

"It's not that." She said, defeated.

"What then? I don't understand you have to explain to me." I said shaking my head.

She hesitated, like she was afraid to open up to me.

"I want to be better, but I seem to just get worse and worse and worse." She said her voice cracking at the end.

"You got to give your self time.. it doesn't happen over night.."

"But I haven't even made progress!" She said raising her voice.

I sighed and got out the bed, moving over to the door I turned to her

"Stay here." I said as I moved out the door.

I quickly ran down the stairs and to the fridge.

I searched for food I knew lily could eat. Something healthy.

I grabbed a platter of veg and darted back up the stairs.

Lilys eyes went wide when I walked into the room.

"Billie I can't." She said a new set of tears threatening to spill over.

"You want to get better then you have to try. Just eat don't think, focus on something else." I said putting the plate in front of her and taking a cucumber stick myself as I flicked threw the channels on the tv.

She nervously picked up some carrot and began eating it, she starred at her legs as she did so.

"You shouldn't feel guilty just for eating. Your body needs food lily.. that's like breathing and hating yourself for not suffocating." I said. Sadness running over my body.

"I know. When I think of it logically I know. But my mind tells me if I eat.. I'll gain weight.. I'll get fat.. and everyone will hate me... and leave me.. you'll leave me..." She said as tears ran down her face, avoiding eye contact with me.

"Hey." I said, holding her chin so she had to look in my direction. "I will always love you. You need to gain baby. Your gonna kill yourself.. I will love you no matter what size or shape you are.. so will fin.. so will my mum!.. we will always love you." I continued.

She looked away and didn't reply.

"Lily as long as you eat healthy you will only gain healthy weight. Look at me. I'm so much bigger then you? But you love me.. don't you?"

"Of course I do!" She said suddenly catching her attention.

"Then trust me when I say we will all love you even if you gain some healthy weight! Or any weight for that matter!"

"Ok.. I'll try.. I'll try from now." She said picking up another carrot.

"I love you so much. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, cuz if you don't get better your gonna end up dead baby." I said a tear slipping from my eye at the thought of having to attend my own girlfriends funeral.

"Please don't cry. I'm sorry.." she said as she leaned over and wiped the tear away.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just- I just love you so much and I can't handle it if something bad happens to you. I want you to be okay."

She didn't reply she simply pulled herself closer to me and connected our lips with a deep, meaningful and passionate kiss.

After a few moments she broke away and starred at me for a few seconds before speaking.

"I will try and get better, for me, for you. For all of us. I'll try."