Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Forty-Four

I sat in the hotel room on the bed. Lily was in the bathroom showering before we had to head back to the tour bus. I knew she was nervous to get on it but I knew she could.

I had forced her to shower with the bathroom door open so I didn't have to panic. She wasn't happy about it but I think she understood.

I decided to go brush my teeth and get myself ready. She was blaring Paramore Misguided Ghost threw my Bluetooth speakers.

I walked in and she was sat in the bath water run high burning hot she had her knees up with her head hurried into her knees and her arms tightly wrapped around the back of her head. Similar to the brace position they make you do on an airplane.

I knew she was struggling. I rested my hand on her shoulder she flinched shaking me off, her muscles stiffening in flight or fight response. She was so deep inside her head I wondered if she even knew it was me.

"Hey. Look at me," I spoke quietly as she lifted her head. Her eyes were red and puffy. She'd smoked non stop all day.

"Come cuddle with me before we leave." I offered a weak smile, she buried her head back down.

I brushed my teeth and combed my hair before leaving the bathroom, a few minutes later a very fragile looking lily walked into the room.

She quickly searched the room, desperately looking for something. I knew what she wanted.

I got up off the bed and went to the suitcase on the floor pulling out her notebook and handed it to her.

She quickly sat down on the floor her brain focused on getting her thoughts down. I sat down opposite her. Watching as she rote down her thoughts into lyrics..

I'm unwell, thanks for asking...
Should I take a pill to numb the pain?
Change the chemicals inside my brain
I worry I won't be the same
But I guess that that's the point
Make your tragedies a work of art
Build your walls up just to rip them apart
Is this the way to fix this or is this a quick fix?
I really couldn't say
Can you medicate, medicate it away?

She put the pencil down reading over what she rote and changing bits before turning it to me to read.

My heart sunk at the lyrics but I was glad she was getting her thoughts out.

-

Lily surprisingly seemed to find it easy to get on the tour bus she walked straight on, I wondered how stoned she was.

We sat at our usual place at the back, her legs draped over mine. She lent into my side and I wrapped my arm around her.

"You ok?" I asked, picking up on her nerves.

She nodded.

"I need your help." She nearly whispered.

"With?"

"I don't wanna do drugs anymore. I want to get better."

"Babe.. I think you need to see a professional.." I said.

"Fine. Sorry for asking." She snapped throwing my arm off her shoulders and storming off to the from of the bus.

What the fuck just happened.. I got up to follow getting strange looks from my mum as I walked past her.

"What the fuck was that?" I questioned

"Don't talk to me billie."

"Fine. I won't." I snapped back walking back to my seat.

I don't know how she expected me to help her with a drug addiction when I couldn't even help with her eating disorder, if she wanted help it needed to be professional.

-

I left lily to cool down it had been about two hours before her sorry ass came back to the back of the bus. I was still angry but I tried to not let it show.

I raised an eye brow at her as she sat down next to me.

"Ok fine I'm sorry." She sighed.

"You gonna tell me what's up now?" I said slightly harsher then I meant to.

"I'm just scared billie. If I go and tell them oh hey I want to kill myself cuz I'm fat and I'm addicted to drugs ..they'll lock me up.." she said not making eye contact

"Ok.. I get it. I'll try help you one more time but it doesn't work you have to get help from a professional. Got it?"

She nodded shyly. I wrapped my arm over her.

I had a plan, in the two hour hissy fit I had some time to think. Lily would have 5-6 joints a day so if I helped her cut down slowly maybe it would be easier.

-

We arrived at the hotel room and it wasn't long before Lilys nervous habits showed. She was pacing and breathing heavy.

I slowly walked over to her.

"I don't think it's a good idea to stop cold.. you normally have 5-6 a day yeh? Let's aim for maximum of 3 for now.. then in a few days we can aim for 2..then 1 then stop.." I said I was nervous to suggest this to her but her eyes seemed to light up as the suggestion she could smoke.

She grabbed her hoodie and nearly ran out the door I quickly followed her outside where she lit her joint and took a long drag. Like she'd been starved of the chemical she needed.

"Better...?" I asked as her breathing slowed.

"Yeah.. do you really think I can do this?"

"I think you can try really hard."