Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Fifty-Four

I sat at the over sized dinner table with a small sized  plate of food. Nervously pushing it around. Letting my brain take control. Eating was hard enough let alone eating with people I didn't trust. i could just barely eat in-front of billie, these people I felt like I was suffocating.

Next to me was Rosie, to my right at the end of the table was my Aunt, Mary. And to the far left was Richards, my aunts 3rd husband. I didn't know him very well. We'd met once.

Everyone was half way threw there food and I had barely touched mine. We had some fake breaded chicken, cucumber, bell peppers and 2 potatoes.

According to Mary I was overweight so I had a small side plate child portion, whilst everyone else picked there food off normal dinner plates.

I slowly picked up a baby potato biting off half and chewing it slowly. Repeating till they where both gone.

I was vaguely listening to the chatting flying across the table but I was struggling to listen between my thoughts and them. They where talking about how I would be alone for a few days in a weeks time because they where going away to visit a family friend. I couldn't wait.

I picked off a tiny bite of the fake meat popping it into my mouth.

Maybe I'd be able to sneak billie in for the time they where away as her tour would be just about finished by then. I couldn't wait to see her again, I hated being away from her I longed for the day I'd be able to be back in her arms. Being away from her was tearing me apart.

I picked up a few veggies eating them slowly. Before long everyone else was done, I'd only managed 1/4 of my food but decided I was done too.

"Not eating anymore no?" My aunt said, slight happiness in her voice. Probably her hoping it would help my body fit her idea of a perfect shape.

"No. Thanks." I said without making eye contact.

"Ok then. You must still be grieving from Adams tragic death. Such a shame that bomber blew him up. Your lucky to have survived." She said as she gathered the plates.

I wondered if she knew the truth or if she was just ignoring it. I bit my tongue and ignored her.

The table was cleared and I headed up the stairs to change into work out gear before heading to the built in gym in the basement.

By the time I was done running on the treadmill I couldn't feel my legs or see straight. I dropped to the floor in exhaustion only to turn onto my back and start doing sit ups.

When I physically couldn't continue I stood up and began the long aching walk back up the stairs to my room to shower. making the shower last as long as possible, the only peace in this house I could get was when I was washing or sleeping.

By the time I was ready to relax it was nearly 9pm. I laid on my bed and within seconds billie was calling me.

"Hi baby." I answered

"Hey babe. How are you?" Hearing her voice made everything worth it.

"I'm ok." I lied. "When do you go back on tour?" I continued

"You sure? And I leave tomorrow night."

"Have fun." I said ignoring her first question

"You don't seem ok." She said, I forget that she knows me so well

"Billie honestly I'll be ok, have fun on tour. Listen there going away for a few days in a week.. maybe you could come over?" I suggested, suddenly scared of rejection.

"Of course, you know I'll be there any chance I can."

"I can't wait to see you." I said my heart hurting at the fact I wouldn't see her till then.

"I miss you too. It's strange in the house without you here."

-

The next morning I woke with a feeling of dread not a feeling of happiness like I normally would when in billies arms.

I pulled my phone off the bedside table noticing a text from billie.

"Morning love 💖 " it read. I smiled to myself and quickly replied before glancing at the time.

"Shit!" I nearly yelled as I threw myself off the bed it was 10 past 9. I had been given strict rules I had to be at breakfast for 9. I threw on some jeans and a hoodie and brushed my teeth before running down the stairs.

"I'm so sorry my alarm didn't go off." I said towards the table where my aunt and Rosie sat, both with angry expressions on there faces as they awaited me to sit down so they could start eating.

"Don't let it happen again. You'll be doing the dishes to make up for you being late." She said as she reached for some fruit and I sat down.

I nodded. I would have had to do them anyway being the less important one in the house.

I glanced at the food, fruit, various cereal or toast.

I went for the lowest calorie option and took half a slice of toast. I took a child size bite listening to the voices in my head as they woke up, putting the slice down I decided that was all I'd have, a tiny bite of toast.

I awaiting for everyone to finish and as they left the table I gathered the cereals and put them away, throwing away any left overs and gathering the plates and bowls washing them up. I did the chores slowly hoping it would pass the time but it didn't work. Knowing billie would be here in a few days was dragging the time out.

I spent the days doing whatever I could to pass the time, sleeping, exercising, scrolling threw twitter, Instagram and anything else, but minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days and days.. well they felt like an eternity. Every time I looked at the clock it was like no time had passed.

I truly felt like I was being tortured.