Emotions // Billie Eilish - (on hold)

Chapter Two

its wednesday. now you may be thinking what does that mean? how does that benefit me? the answer is simple.

after today I only have 2 more days or torture before i can sleep for an entire two days. doesn't that sound like fun?

as we walk to school i feel eyes on me, the closer we get the more people we run into and i can't help but feel like they are all starring dead at me. i wonder what they are thinking? are they looking at my hips? my stomach? maybe my arms are shaking whilst i walk?

i'm on day 2 of my fast and i have black dots in my vision, it's been awhile since my last fast, my body is struggling to get back into the habit . i push the thoughts out of my head hoping to push the dizziness out with them too. im fine. i tell myself, but i'm not very convincing.

eventually we get to school. we ended up being late so i don't have to worry about standing around we head straight to art class. i never understood why we have art in the mornings, if i wanted to spend my entire day covered in paint then i would have left the house looking as such.

i sit near the back of the class alone, the popular people are in the front and my brother jake sits with his friends over to the middle left.

"good morning class! long time little see!" francis yells at us. i roll my eyes. there is something about the way teachers have so much energy so early that makes me feel sick. it's 8am, bro chill the fuck out.

he continues to explain the task.

"today i'm leaving the world in your hands. i want you to create some artwork however you want BUT" he says, his eyes lighting up at the end. " i want the artwork to be based around a tragic moment in your life. something that changed you forever." he finishes and walks back to his desk leaving us to ourselves. i glance over at jake only too see his head is down and hes staring at the table ignoring his friends around him. he is most likely thinking of the same thing i am. our parents death.

after sitting silently for a few moments i get up and grab some paint and paper. i'm thinking maybe i can somehow put how my head felt when my mother and father died onto paper.

i start by painting the entire background pink... colour of the brain maybe? nope that doesn't look good.. how about if i add some red? nope.. black? nope..

"UGH!" i scream. causing the entire room to throw weird looks my way.

i bury my head and get back to work, trying to act like that didn't just happen.

eventually i've added an entire rainbow of colour to the centre of the paper leaving a rim of pink around the edge. it's not what i was going for but i don't hate it.. maybe each colour represents a thought?

the bell rings snapping me out of my thoughts.

2 more classes then lunch.. i can do this.

-

finally the time comes to lunch.

lunch is the same. most days, we sit on a bench towards the back of the canteen, as we can be louder back there.

our canteen table consists of Me, Adam, Jake, 3 of Adams Friends and 2 of Jakes friends.

your not meant to be able to fit more than 8 people per bench. its meant to be 3 each side and 1 ether end but somehow we get away with 1 extra every time. i sit at the end of one of the sides, adam next to me on the bench and one of his friends the other side.

i as always am sat drinking my coffee ignoring the world, tuning in and out of the chat but more or less tuning out.

i scan down the table looking over all the food. chicken salad, tuna sandwich, salad, egg mayo, wrap... very boring food choices as always they range from the lowest cal intact being around 300 and the highest must be around 550. when i do eat my meals never go above 300. some of these meals could last me two days, yet all these people have perfect bodys and me? well i look like a bloated potat-

"lily. for fuck sake!" adam screams, causing people to look over my way and me to snapp suddenly out of my head.

"what.." i mumble. i wasn't paying attention and i have no idea what was said to me.

before i even have a chance to react or try to come up with an answer adam throws my coffee straight over my head. causing me to sit there, mouth open like a goldfish. his friend next to me is almost pissing himself with laughter, it must be contiguous and before i know it the entire canteen is giggling at me.

without thinking i stand up and i leave. i can't bare to be in a room with him. i just need to get home. 

once home i throw my clothes onto the floor and run to the bathroom. i pull and bite on my lip piercing as my hand traces and pinches my colour bones. anxiety radiating off my skin.

i get into the bath and turn the water on high. i pull out a silver razor and begin to let the blood bleed.