Irrevocably (COMPLETED)

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

PERSEPHONE

How can we go from a honeymoon phase to a dreadful one? I honestly don't know if going on a vacation with him was a wise bargain. I kind of missed just being us, just being man and wife. But things happen for a reason, don't they? I always replay our whole trip in the iPad Zac gave me so that I had a way to pass time even if I'm stuck here my whole life. It was fun, we had closure in away. I found closure from my old life, it was a chapter not worth reading again. I'd take everything with me to the grave. It wasn't a good part of my life. I was busy scrolling through the gallery when the door finally opened. It revealed my mother. I smiled slightly.

Ever since the incident there became a gap between us. It's like we were so afraid of what we might do and say. And no I don't regret saying what I said, deep inside that was the truth. And we all know how sadness can bring out the harshest truth there is in a person and it was my truth. We still couldn't look at each other in the eye. We were too afraid to see the hurt in each other's eyes.

"How was the trip?" she asked me breaking the silence. I turned my head towards her and saw her looking anywhere but me.

"It was..great. Mom?" I asked

"Yes?" She snapped her head towards me clearly surprised. I stopped calling her that for a while and I know it hurts her.

"Why did you let me go with him?" I asked her

She shot up from her seat and held my arms scanning for bruises I guess.

"Did he hurt you?!" She asked me.

I held her hand and shook my head no.

"No mom he didn't. He was really kind actually" I told her

"I'm glad. I thought..he went back" She said.

I know how hard it must have been for her to watch me go through that. In a way, I blamed myself for that-- losing my way I mean. Love can really do you dirty. At some part of my life, I wished I could forget what happened in the past few months. I wanted to begin and collect myself- literally. I feel like my whole being was scattered in different areas-- like I wasn't whole. I wish I could jump back to the old me. But it wasn't possible, it will never be and I guess I'd have to live with it one way or another.

"I never got to thank you for taking care of me.." I whispered softly.

She then slowly took my hands and rubbed it with her fingers.

"No baby. You don't have to thank me because I'd do it a hundred times no matter what happens. You're not my second choice honey, I'm sorry if I made you feel like that. But you were my whole life. I don't know what would have happened to me if you didn't come along" she told me

"Still..I'm sorry about the whole thing. It must have been traumatizing for you.." I told her avoiding her gaze.

She let go of my hands and stood up and paced in front of me.

"Why are you like that? Why do you keep feeling sorry about us? Why do you care so much about others! when you don't even talk about what you went through!" She broke down, frustration was evident on her face.

I was taken aback by her outburst. Mom is usually composed and collected and not like this.

"I just.. don't see the point in revisiting the past let alone think about it" I said lowly

She threw her hands up in the air in frustration "How are we supposed to understand you! You won't even let us in! How can we help! We're trying Persephone! We really are so please-"

"It's BECAUSE IM STILL LOST," I shouted at her, the action caused a little strain in my heart and I immediately clutched it.

"You can't expect me to tell you everything when I don't even know where to start! I don't want to think about it because thinking about it makes me want to get out of this disgusting body that I am in!! I can't talk about it because I'm scared! I'm hurt! and I'm trying! Damn it I'm really trying for everyone here.." I said as I tried to keep my tears at bay

Everyone kept on poking me for answers. Questions I don't even know the answer too or questions I'm too afraid to answer. They think they're helping me by being so involved when all I really wanted to do was be alone and just collect myself. All I wanted was silence and them not poking me for answers. Because remembering... makes it hurt more. It makes it more real. And that was the thing I was scared of.

When I told them I was enlightened I didn' t mean that everything was swell and dandy. It just gives me a clarity about what I really wanted. And it was to set them free from pain that's why I act like everything is fine because I didn't want them to worry. I just wanted peace for all of us.

"I... I need to rest now mom. It's time for me to rest. I can't talk about this anymore. I'll... I'll see you later" I told her and tucked myself in my bed and watched her slowly drag herself away from my room.

I pressed the intercom near my bed and called for him.

"Hello, Doctor Walsh? i asked

"Yes, Mrs. Larson?" He answered

"I'm ready for my session," I told him

-

--

"Hey, how was your day?" I asked as Zach came into my room. I was busying myself with books because I couldn't do anything. Either I watch too much Netflix or read too many books.

"It sucks," he says with a small pout

"come here, let me give you a massage," I said with a smile

"well, who am I to say no to my wife?" He says and takes his coat off and sits on a stool next to my bed. He turns his back to me and I start kneading through it.

"You should've gone straight home so that you can rest" I scolded him

"I am home," He says, my hands stopped massaging his tense back, "Home is where you are" he added

I couldn't see his face because his back was facing me.

God, I loved this guy. Maybe if things were different we could have been really happy. But here we are. doing a complete 360 just to cater to each other.

"I want to go home," I said sadly softly kneading his shoulders

"Just a little longer babe, we'll go home together. And we won't need to do this. We just need the Doctor's go signal and we can go back home even if it means bringing all these machines there" he said and reached for my hands

"Hold on for me okay?" he says and ran small circles on the top of my hands

"Anything for you," I said softly and we just let ourselves be consumed with silence.

I hummed a song for him as I massaged him. His head started dropping and it was a sign that he was sleepy.

"Hey, don't drive home. God knows what might happen" I told him as I tried to wake him up

"Okay, let me get to the couch real quick," He says. I instantly grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Lay here with me," I said he stilled momentarily and looked at me

"I miss laying with you," I say shyly looking down

He just chuckled lowly and sat on my bed, He laid their slacks and all

"I love you," I say

"I love you too," He says and kissed my forehead.