𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐞?

9.

Do you know the gut wrenching feeling when you're lying straight through your teeth in hopes of saving yourself from embarrassment? Well I have a tendency to do that often. Embarrassment is inevitable, but I tend to find myself in too many embarrassing situations. My first embarrassment of the night was when Chris had confessed how emotionally unavailable that he is, I didn't intend on ruining my reputation as a nonchalant hookup, so I choked on my pride and agreed with him despite how badly I wanted to find someone. My last embarrassing moment was having Emily and Rio barge into the room whilst I was making out with Chris.

Although deep down I was craving an emotional relationship, I tried to keep that side of myself to a minimum. Most men loved the type of woman who held herself well, didn't care about not getting a text back, and didn't fuck with emotions during sex. I wasn't that woman, but I try so hard to be exactly that. There was a part of me that fell in love with anybody who stared in my general direction, but at the same time it only happens when those who stared in my general direction were exciting. The thrill of being in love never came close to the thrill of winning something that you never thought you'd win in the first place. The only problem with that is heartbreak, so I have to pick wisely. Thrill, or stability?

After last night, I couldn't necessarily pinpoint how I was feeling. Although I had only hooked up with Chris twice now and loved it, I realized that I didn't want to invest my time into something that would always be a dead end road. I wanted to embrace the part of me that accepted love, not the type that turned it away because of something more exciting. The best things in life often come when least expected, and I didn't want to keep pushing for things that wouldn't benefit me. I only hoped that my decision wouldn't backfire, because most of the times I make an oath to myself, I go back on it.

It had been about two days since Chris and I had last spoke, we had exchanged numbers but the communication was minimal. Emily told me that I was better off investing my time into someone who wanted to pursue me, and I actually started to listen to her. Although she had only met Chris once, based off of what I had told her she said that unpacking Chris's baggage is a commitment that I shouldn't chain myself to when I wasn't receiving much of anything in return. I took her advice, and when my brother had invited me out to dinner with him and Georgia, I decided to invite a man who may actually be worth my time.

I spent a lot of my time wondering if my decision was a good idea or not, but I had no choice but to realize that I didn't want to be a back-burner. I invited Patrick, the bartender at The Lounge, who I had a relatively good relationship with. We occasionally flirted when I would get drinks for my tables, but I hadn't allowed it to go further than just flirting. Pat was gorgeous, funny, and most of all he was respectful, which is more that I could say for someone like Chris. Pat was slightly surprised when I asked him to dinner, but he didn't argue or question me, instead he happily accepted the invitation.

Pat had messaged me earlier in the day, expressing how excited he was to enjoy a night out with me after only conversing at work. I couldn't lie and say that I wasn't excited, because honestly I think that Pat may be the breath of fresh air that I need. The best part about having Pat at dinner is the opportunity for me to get to know Georgia better, Pat can entertain my brother while Georgia and I bond. Despite my excitement for new beginnings, a small part of me wondered if this situation would infuriate Chris. I wondered if he was putting a wall up, claiming that he hated intimacy when really he craved it. I shouldn't even be thinking about that, especially when I hardly know anything about him other than his first name.