"I love to taste you, but I hate kissing you" Chris admitted, his words cut me deeper than one thousand knives. He refuses to love me, but loves to touch me.
"Truth or dare Chris?" I ask in between sloppy kisses, loving the way that his hands roamed...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I couldn't believe it, but better yet, I should've expected this. Of course when you meet a drug dealer, that's what they'll always fall back to when they're in need. Of course his regular job gives him good pay, but pay to afford a house that quickly? No.
I didn't want to look at him, a part of me wish I never knew him. I know myself and I know that whatever part of me is saying that, was a liar. I stared out of the window watching the city pass us by as he drives to a motel. We both hadn't spoken to one another for at least ten minutes.
"Can you say something" He breaks the silence while I'm left staring out the car window. I didn't even have much to say to him, he really fucked up this time.
"There isn't much to say" I responded quickly, because it was true.
"I know that I fucked up" he responds, finally taking accountability for his actions. It was about time that he started to own up to his wrongdoings.
"You think?" I let out a small laugh while trying to contain my anger. I shook my head to myself while trying not to engage.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you, I shouldn't compress my feelings because I don't feel like I can do it properly" He sighs.
"I am really getting tired of loving you when you can't do the same for me" I respond, with full and brutal honesty.
"That is the thing Lucie, You think I don't love you. Sure, I haven't said it Sure, maybe I deny it every time that it might slip out of my mouth. But honestly I know your favorite song, your favorite color, the blush in your cheeks when I call you beautiful, That sigh that you let out every time you get irritated but don't want anyone to know, The way you look at me with such love but wish that you didn't" He begins, almost giving me deja vu to the night in the parking lot.
"I know Lucie, I notice these things" He continues.
I'm still looking out the car window, refusing to face him because facing him means facing myself and making myself look like an idiot to somebody who wouldn't do the same for me. I tried not to respond to his confession, but a part of me wanted to indulge in the affection.
"I love you, Even though I wish that I didn't! Because when the day comes that you do say it, it will always be questionable. I don't know if I'd ever be able to believe you without questioning if you're saying it to please me" I sigh, giving into the conversation.
We clearly needed to talk things out calmly, but Chris and I'd track record of talking about these things without arguing was very bad. We both stopped talking for a moment before Chris slaps his hand onto the steering wheel, startling me.
"You know what? I love you! I love you so much that it fucking scares me! I didn't think that I'd want to protect another person so much in my life but I do and with you! No matter how much you may think that I don't love you and that I don't want to protect you, You're so wrong" He says again, Finally giving me the words that I've waited to hear.
At this point our conversation was getting deep and I don't know if I want it to continue or if I wanted it to stop. I'm in love with a man who's middle name is chaos and danger but I can't help but follow him. It was my own fault for thinking that things could've been different, I should've known that I would end up back at square one.
"You're only now telling me that you love me because you have the fear of losing me is that it Chris, is that really it?" I ask, trying to dig a bit deeper into his mind.
"I have loved you and of course I'm going to say it now because I am afraid that i'll lose you! The point is that I am finally saying it, and I don't throw that word around hardly ever. Which is why I never said it before because I've been too afraid of it backfiring on me. I'm afraid to lose you but I'm also afraid of saying that word and feeling those feelings so tell me what do you think is my bigger fear?" He says, focused on the road still.
His words gave me hope, because even though he was relentless earlier, I've never seen him be so much more sincere than now. Maybe he does love me, and maybe I just need to give him more time to prove that. I didn't want to imagine a life without him by my side, but I wish that his love could've been confessed in another way.
After more silence, He pulled into a parking lot of what looked like a motel. I didn't want this for my life considering I didn't want to be treated like a refugee. He's hiding me away because of his mistakes and I hate every second of it.
"I have to go, You stay here" He looks at me, After throwing bags down onto the bed and trying to wait for a response. I say nothing, I don't know what to say to him. He poured himself out to me but also betrayed me when I thought we were done with the past.
"Lucie, I love you, I'm sorry" He says, before picking up his keys and leaving me here again. I sat by myself trying to think of how things could ever be better. I was beginning to think that there would be no hope for us to be normal.
AUTHOR NOTE ______________ Hey y'all! I'm so sorry for not updating, my grandfather passed away and I've been going through it. Hope you guys understand!
