𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐞?

18.

My mind felt lost and abandoned ever since Lucie left my apartment three days ago. The feeling was unfamiliar, I hadn't felt this way in a long time and I didn't know how to cope with it. The bed that she slept in only once felt lonely without her warmth, but I couldn't pinpoint why. I didn't care for relationships, nor did I care how a woman viewed me once I hurt them, but for some reason I cared with Lucie. Her heart was morphing with mine, and as much as I needed the extra love, I hated it.

I opened up to her as best as I could, explaining the reason behind my inability to commit. I knew that she heard me, that she understood me, but in her heart she couldn't continue to play the losing game. I hate myself for not being able to love her and give her exactly what she wants, but I also hate that she wants what I don't have. This game has gone on too long, especially when I've explained myself one thousand times over. The disappointment was familiar, I felt this exact way with Alanna.

Alanna Mcdermott, she was the first woman that gained a place in my heart for more than a singular night. After my mother died I vouched to swear off of women, but Alanna caught me by surprise. I was eighteen when we met, and we were together for two whole years after that. In the end, I couldn't give her what she wanted. Although we were only twenty by the time that our relationship crumbled, she wanted to settle down, build a life with me, and love me forever.

I broke Alanna's heart. I regret it everyday, but not because I still carry love for her, but because she was the last woman that had my heart. I remember the feeling that I had when I watched Alanna walk out of my life, she'd had enough of my bullshit, and I didn't blame her. The problem was that I didn't stop her from leaving, in fact I couldn't stop her. I never got over that feeling, and I still carry it with me years later as my relationship with Lucie crumbled like mine and Alanna's.

I often ask myself, at what point in my life will I realize that I am pushing away the people that can mean the most to me? I can't continue to throw away the people that are worth keeping. I thought that I took a step in the right direction by opening up to Lucie, but unfortunately I did what I always did. I made excuses for my lack of love and commitment. When I think of Lucie I think of a woman who knows her worth, her beauty, her potential and her needs. I tried coming to the realization that she was what I needed, but it didn't make sense.

Over the past few days, I haven't spoken to her after she walked out of my apartment. We occasionally passed each other in the hallway but refused to make eye contact or utter a single greeting. The worst part about this was that we were planning to go to New Mexico in a matter of days. So as I sat on the feeling of being without her, and understanding how it felt to lose her, I learned what I need to improve within myself.
I decided to go back and meet with one of the most influential people in my life, the woman who experienced it all too well.

I waited in the overcrowded cafe, listening to other people's side conversations as I sipped my black coffee. I was nervous rightfully so, I hadn't seen or heard from Alanna for years. When I reached out to her, I could feel the hesitance within her voice, but she accepted after some convincing. It had been ten minutes already, we agreed to meet at one o' clock but it was now one-ten. I was beginning to wonder if Alanna couldn't handle meeting with me, and I wouldn't have blamed her.