There's No Way

Almost in Love

I desperately tried to swallow the lump in my throat while also trying to suck back down the tears that were threatening to spill out of my eyes. I felt like an idiot. We aren't together – we're friends, just roommates. Nothing more, right? So why was I so upset? Because, you have feelings for him, Camila. Fuck.

I tried to rationalize what I had just seen in an attempt to calm myself down. I mean it looked like she initiated it, maybe he didn't want to kiss her but she kissed him anyway? That theory was quickly shot down when I looked back in the window to see his right hand caressing her lower back and his left hand gently grasping the side of her face. Fuck.

I considered just staying in my car until she left, but with the rate they were going I wasn't 100% convinced she would be leaving tonight. I had to just face it and go inside. I managed to wrangle my emotions and come up with a plan – I was going to pretend to struggle with getting the door unlocked, that way they would hear that I was about to come in and hopefully stop their little makeout session before I got through the door.

So that's what I did. I put my key into the keyhole and jiggled it around a bit, surely loud enough for the two 'lovebirds' to hear. After I felt that they had been sufficiently warned, I turned the key fully and swung open the door. I looked up and saw both Shawn and Carly staring at me, Carly with a look of surprise and Shawn with a look of guilt. The three of us sat in the awkward silence for a few seconds before I finally spoke up.

"Um, sorry...I didn't mean to interrupt...I'm just gonna take this stuff to my room," I quickly spoke as I hurried through the living room and down the hallway. I could hear them whispering to each other, but was having trouble figuring out what was being said – Carly definitely sounded annoyed, though. I kept eavesdropping as I made my way to my bedroom, unable to make sense of their distant whispers, that is until I was just about to close the door to my room when I heard Shawn say, "she's just a roommate".

I shut my door completely upon hearing his words, the tears I had managed to suppress earlier freely flowing down my cheeks now. I was an idiot – of course he didn't have feelings for me. I thought for sure there had been a glimmer of something else there earlier in the day, but I must've been crazy. He said it himself, I'm just a roommate. I started to cry harder as his words echoed through my mind. I waltzed my way into the bathroom, hoping that a hot bath would help calm me down. I hooked my Bluetooth speaker up to my phone and pressed shuffle on one of my current favorite Spotify playlists. I sunk myself into the tub, letting the hot water relax my tired body as Olivia O'Brien's "Almost in Love" began to play through my speaker.

You're not mine, you never were
You never wanted me like you wanted her
The wrong time, she met you first
Been one too many times but I never learn

The lyrics hit a little too close to home, causing me to quickly reach over and shut the music off. I needed to try and forget about this situation, not make it worse for myself. I let out a defeated sigh as I stared at the wall, trying to convince myself that I didn't actually have feelings for him. After close to an hour, the water became too cold for me too feel comfortable anymore – so I stepped out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel, washing my face and brushing my teeth before stepping back into my bedroom.

I was sad. I felt exhausted, but my mind continuously ran with thoughts that prevented me from sleeping. After a couple hours of tossing and turning I was finally able to fall asleep. Much to my dismay, it didn't last long. I ended up waking up around 6 am, which is pretty much worst case scenario on a weekend. I sighed, realizing that the happenings of last night weren't just a bad dream. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, stretching my arms and letting out a hearty yawn.

I needed to get out. Not for long, but I needed to find some solitude in a place that didn't include Shawn. I quickly threw on a pair of my favorite black leggings and an oversized hoodie. I started to get into my car, but quickly decided that the diner was close enough to walk to instead. Not going to lie, I felt a little relieved when I noticed that Carly's car wasn't there – meaning she didn't end up staying the night. A small part of me felt bad for being happy that she didn't stay, but the better majority of me didn't feel bad at all. The walk to the diner was peaceful and quiet. I enjoyed my go-to breakfast before paying and starting to walk back home, deciding to stop at the small lakeside park across the street on the way. I made my way down to the edge of the water, finding a small bench that looked like the perfect place to relax for a moment. I felt crushed, and the worst part of it is that all I wanted in that moment was for Shawn to come and comfort me – despite him being the one that crushed me in the first place.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I heard echo from behind me. Speak of the devil. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, he runs by this park every morning – it makes sense that he would see me here. I turned around to look at him, his face still showing the same guilt that it did last night.

"Hey," I weakly responded, attempting to smile. He walked around to the front of the bench and sat down next to me. We both sat in silence for a moment, staring out at the peaceful water before he finally spoke up.

"I'm really sorry about last night, I know that was kinda awkward..." he quietly stated. I snorted and looked up at him.

"Kinda?" I questioned. He chuckled and shook his head.

"Yeah, okay. That's fair – it was extremely awkward," he laughed. We both sat in silence for a few more moments, me nervously picking at my fingernails and him tapping his foot against the grass.

"Um, n-nothing...nothing happened between us...last night..." he said nervously, barely loud enough to hear. I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his. They were glossy with tears, it was clear that he knew he had hurt me. My heart started to break for the poor guy sitting next to me, but that was quickly put on pause when I remembered his words.

"She's just a roommate."

I contemplated my next words before responding to his previous statement.

"You and I both know that's not entirely true..." I spoke. His gaze, still locked on mine, grew to become a look of confusion and realization that he had fucked up. "You guys were making out just seconds before I came inside," he quickly looked away from me and back out to the water before I could finished my sentence. "By the way, I would recommend closing your curtains at night. You can pretty much see everything from outside..." I remarked, attempting to lighten the mood.

"Camila, I'm so sorry..." he choked out. I cut him off before he could finish his apology.

"Shawn, you don't need to apologize to me. You're one of the most incredible people I've ever met, but we're just friends...I'm just a roommate, right? If you want to be with her that's fine, you don't need to apologize to me for that," I stated. He shook his head and locked his eyes on mine once again.

"You and I both know that's not entirely true..." he said, echoing my words from earlier. Now my eyes were the ones going glossy with tears.

"But that's what you told her..." I managed to say, tears freely flowing down both of our cheeks at this point. I watched as the realization set in on his face that I had heard him talking to her. I took my eyes away from his, standing up and beginning to walk away.

"Camila, wait!" Shawn said, turning to face me as I walked away. I stopped in my tracks and spun around so we were facing each other again.

"Shawn, it's okay. Really. If you want to be with her then be with her," I said, attempting to keep my heart from shattering at the sight of the defeated brown-haired boy in front of me. "It's okay," I repeated. "Enjoy the rest of your run, I'll see you at home," I said before turning back around and continuing my walk home.

The second I knew I was out of his sight I began sobbing. This wasn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt you like this. This was much, much more than a crush – and it had already been broken.