There's No Way

Guilty

[Shawn's POV]

Camila had reminded me time and time again that she held no grudges against me, but I still was having trouble shaking the overwhelming feeling of guilt. The image of her face after it happened was burned into my mind. It was fear; but not just any fear - fear of me, specifically. Despite already having her forgiveness, I still couldn't quite get to the point where I could forgive myself.

I knew she could sense it. She could tell that I broke my own heart when I had unintentionally hurt her - and even though I was aware of the fact that was unintentional, it didn't lessen the hurt that I had caused her in that moment. She had previously credited me for her ability to heal so quickly, but I also was her biggest setback.

Now I felt like an idiot. She had forgiven me; she wanted me to support her, but I could feel myself pulling away from her - not because I didn't love her or because I didn't want to support her, but because I didn't want to hurt her again. I had promised to protect her, to not let her get hurt again after Lucas. And now, not only had I let her get hurt again - but I was the one who did the hurting. I was trying my hardest, but I wasn't confident that I would ever fully be able to forgive myself for what happened. I was brought out of my thoughts by two small arms wrapping around my torso from behind as I finished washing the dishes from our dinner.

"Hey cutie. How are you doing?" I asked her, hoping she wouldn't be able to read the emotion that was creeping out through my voice.

"I'm good," she whispered as she turned me around to face her. "...but how are you doing?" she asked me.

"I'm good," I responded. The way her facial expression softened at my answer told me she knew it was a lie. I was always a horrible liar, which could be both a blessing and a curse - not to mention she can read me like a book. She often has a way of knowing how I feel far before I do.

"Shawn, be honest with me. How are you doing?"

Fuck.

I didn't say anything. I just stood there trying to find words that could convey how I felt without upsetting her.

"Shawn, please don't beat yourself up over this. I know you feel horrible, I know - and I get it. But I can't have you distancing yourself from me right now. I need you now more than ever...please don't pull away from me," she pleaded as she held my face in her hands.

"I don't want to hurt you again," I said as I tried my best to swallow down the tears that were rising up into my eyes.

"You didn't hurt me," she stated plainly.

"Yes I did, Camila. After it happened...Mila, I've only seen you like that once and it was after Lucas..." I violently shook my head, hoping to shake away the vivid memories replaying in my brain. "I know you don't want me to feel guilty, but I do. I do feel guilty. I hurt you, and even if I didn't mean to it doesn't change the fact that it happened."

"You didn't hurt me," she repeated again.

"Yes I did. I hurt you even though I promised you I never would, even though I promised to protect you. It doesn't matter what my intentions were. What matters is that I broke those promises and hurt you in the process and I can't...I can't forgive myself for that, Camila."

"You didn't hurt m-" This time I cut her off before she could finish saying it.

"I fucking raped you, Camila."

The words came out much louder and harsher than I had intended, but I was tired of dancing around it. She continued to stand there and stare at me with wide eyes.

"I appreciate that you've forgiven me, I do. But we can't act like that's not what happened, because it is - and honestly, I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to you." She continued to stand there silently after I finished speaking. I took a calming breath before moving past her and hurrying to the bedroom. I needed to lay down. I needed to just close my eyes and hopefully slip into a dream world where I didn't see myself as a monster. I laid down on top of the sheets, turning on my side to face Camila's empty side of the bed before letting my eyes flutter shut. Unfortunately, it didn't bring me as much peace as I had hoped. Instead, endless flashbacks of her face after I had stopped flooded my brain, making the weight of the guilt feel ten times heavier. I opened my eyes once again to see that the empty side of the bed was now occupied by my tiny brunette, also laying on her side to face me.

"I'm sorry," I choked out through broken sobs. She reached her small hand over and placed it on my cheek, her thumb lightly grazing over the top of my cheekbone.

"Shawn, what did you do the second you heard me ask you to stop?" she asked. I screwed my eyes shut.

"Camila, I..."

"Not what did you do the first time I said it, but what did you do the first time you heard me say it?" she clarified. I took another calming breath.

"I stopped."

"You stopped," she repeated. "The second you heard me ask you to stop, you stopped - just like you promised you would." She used the same thumb that had been resting on my cheek to brush away a stray tear. "You didn't hurt me, Shawn. You didn't hurt me, you didn't break me...and you definitely didn't rape me." She moved her free hand over to mine, intertwining our fingers. "I'll admit that I was scared, but then you made me feel safe again. Because I know you...and I know you love me, and I know you will always protect me - no matter what." She pressed her lips against the back of my hand. "You're not a bad guy, Shawn. Quite the opposite, actually. You're the most incredible, honest, caring, supportive & loving person I've ever met...and I love you more than you could ever know."

"I'm sorry," was once again all I was able to get out at that moment.

"Stop apologizing to me, I've already forgiven you. Apologize to yourself; forgive yourself." I pulled her closer to me, as close as physically possible. Her head fit perfectly in the crook of my neck, like she was made specifically to fit right next to me.

"I'm trying, Camila. I promise I'm trying," I whispered as my fingers gently tousled her curls. "...and I love you too, more than you could ever know."