There's No Way

Distant

[Shawn's POV]

"Say it again," I growled into her ear. I pulled back slightly to look at her face. Her face in moments as intimate as these never ceased to amaze me - but this time when I looked at her my heart sank into my stomach. Her eyes were screwed shut and tears were steadily streaming down her cheeks.

"God, please...just stop..." she sobbed. I immediately pulled out, going into full-on panic mode at the realization of what had just happened. I jumped off the bed and pulled a random pair of sweatpants that had been tossed on the floor over myself. Camila laid on the bed, frozen - her skin pale and lifeless. She was shaking and her breathing was shallow and rapid. I had only seen her in this kind of state once: when I found her on the floor after Lucas raped her. I instinctively came up beside her and tried to hold her, tried to comfort her - but she retreated. Her eyes were glassy and her face was etched with fear. It was a look I had seen before from her, but for the first time the fear wasn't of Lucas or what he had done. This time, she was afraid of me. I took another step toward her but she shook her head violently.

"Don't. Don't touch me."

Her words were shaky and broken, but stern. She had already made her decision about me.

"Camila, you know I would never-"

"Leave. Please. Just leave me alone," she said, cutting me off before I could finish trying to explain. Every part of me wanted to stay; wanted to tell her that she would be okay and wrap her up in my arms and cry with her.

But the look on her face told me I wasn't someone who could help her anymore, and that broke me. She was terrified of me and I had no idea how to help. How can I help her face her demons when I'm the demon? Before I had time to say anything else, she was covering herself with her previously discarded clothes and staggering out of the room. I just stood there, frozen; unsure of what to do, how to fix this - if it could even be fixed.

In the deafening silence, I heard the door to the bedroom we had set up for her when she first moved in open and then promptly shut again.

An hour. I waited an hour. It was the most excruciatingly long hour of my entire life, but I wanted to give her time to emotionally process before explaining what had happened, why I had done what I did. I finally walked up and knocked on the wooden door twice.

"Shawn, I really can't talk to you right now. I'm sorry," she mumbled from the other side.

"I get it, and that's okay. But I need to explain what happened, Camila. You know I would never do that...I can't let you think I would ever do that," I pleaded. I pressed my ear to the door and heard a sad sniffle followed by a choked sob. "Can I just talk out here? You don't need to look at me - you don't even need to say anything. Just me talking, and you listening...is that okay?" I begged. She didn't respond verbally, but I felt and heard her sit down against the door - signaling to me that she was ready to listen.

"Camila, I didn't realize you were asking me to stop. If I would've known that's what you were saying I would've stopped. Hell, the second I realized that's what you were saying I did stop - but it was too late. And god, I...I asked you to say it again because my dumb ass thought you were saying my name. I thought...good god, I thought you were saying 'Shawn' I didn't realize you were saying 'stop' until I looked down and saw you crying as you said it the last time. And I know, I know nothing I do or say is going to make you just magically forget that this happened but...but please just trust me. You can trust me, you know you can trust me. You know I would never want to hurt you." I didn't even realize I was crying until the last sentence came out in a series of broken sobs. "God, I love you so much. I love you so fucking much, Camila...you know-"

"I know." Her soft voice cut me off. "I know, Shawn. I believe you...I just...I just need a little space."

I did my best to swallow back the tears that were threatening to overcome me.

"Okay."

----

She stayed in her room for the rest of the day. And I stayed just on the other side of the door. I washed the sheets on my bed for no reason other than the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep there tonight if I didn't, as if washing the fabric the moment took place on would magically make it disappear like it never happened.

Unsurprisingly, I crawled into bed by myself. I left the door open and the sheets on her side of the bed pulled back, just so she would know she was welcome in case she were to change her mind.

Clearly that wasn't the case, however. Morning rolled around and the space next to me on the bed was completely cold - the sheets still perfectly folded back for her. Endless thoughts swirled around my head as I got ready for work. Was she coming in to work today? Did she still want to catch a ride with me? Is this going to be the most miserable and awkward work day of my life? Is she okay?

I finished getting ready and walked out of the bedroom to see her door still shut, but the light on. I cautiously walked up to the door and knocked lightly with my knuckle.

"Hey, uh...I'm getting ready to head out now," I tried to say as casually and normally as possible.

"I can drive myself."

Her response was cold and distant, but I guess that was to be expected. I grabbed my keys and my laptop and headed out for the car. The drive felt lonely, it was lonely.

----

[Camila's POV]

I wasn't even mad at Shawn anymore, I was mad at myself. Mad at Lucas. Mad that I can't even have sex with my boyfriend like a normal person without that asshole invading my mind. After seeing Shawn pull out of the driveway through the window in my room, I gathered my things and made my way out to my car.

I walked into the office as if nothing had happened, but in reality it was taking everything in me to not look up at him and see how he was doing. Surely he wasn't in good shape either. I mean, he was right. He would never hurt me. In my heart I know that he would never hurt me, but in that moment everyone wanted to hurt me - even him. In that moment it didn't even cross my mind that he could've just misheard me.

I got to my desk and my eyes immediately welled up with tears at the sight of a little styrofoam cup. I picked it up to examine the markings left on the cup in permanent marker, even though I knew exactly what they'd say.

On one side, 'chai tea latte w/ coconut milk'.

On the other side, 'Shane'.

I shook my head in disbelief. Nobody ever got his name right.

I couldn't work, I couldn't focus. Most of my morning was spent sitting at my desk staring at my computer. I needed to talk to him. I needed him to know that I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I needed him to know that he isn't Lucas. I needed him to comfort me. I needed him to heal me, even if he played a role in the breaking. I picked up my phone and hastily typed a text message out to him, staring at it for several seconds before finally having the balls to press 'send'.

Meet me in the storage room in 10 minutes

A/N: DEEP BREATHS EVERYONE.