There's No Way

It's Nice To Be Home

[Camila's POV]

The rest of the work day was tough, but not nearly as tough as it was before Shawn and I talked in the storage room - and now that we were back to normal, at least somewhat, I felt much more comfortable going over to his desk and talking to him whenever I needed a mental distraction. And to no one's surprise, he was always more than willing to talk me off the edge of every cliff.

Shawn had called Penelope's office shortly after we had returned to our desks, and sure enough she was able to squeeze an appointment in for me that evening. I knew I needed it, I knew it was important now more than ever to talk through my feelings candidly with someone - but I was still completely terrified to be so vulnerable with someone. I knew Shawn was nervous about it too. He was trying his hardest not to beat himself up over what happened, but I could tell he still felt incredibly guilty - and Penny thought so highly of him. I'm sure he was scared that she would  rethink her initial impression of him so I understood his anxiousness. 

The drive to her office was quiet for the most part. Shawn held my hand in his the entire time and would periodically offer up some encouraging words when he sensed my nervousness. He squeezed my hand a little tighter as we pulled into the parking lot of Penelope's office.

"Before you go in there, can you promise me something?" he asked as he parked the car.

"Anything."

He swallowed hard and looked over at me, tears threatening to spill out of his beautiful hazel eyes. "Promise me you'll be honest with her. I mean...about everything," he said. "I know you well enough to know that you would potentially hold back important details from her if it meant making me feel better, but I don't want you to do that. I want you to feel better, I want you to heal. The only way that's going to happen is if you're 100% honest with her, so just...promise me you'll tell her the truth? The whole truth?" he asked. I leaned forward and placed a kiss to his lips.

"I promise - you have my word," I whispered after pulling away from the kiss.

"Do you want me to stay in the car or do you want me to come in with you?" he asked. For the first few appointments, he had come in with me and waited in the waiting room - but eventually I felt good enough to start going in by myself while he waited in the car. I appreciated that he asked me, he knew I needed all the moral support I could get - but I was determined to do this on my own.

"You can wait here," I responded confidently before heading into the small brick building. My hands were sweaty and my heartbeat was incredibly accelerated. I was terrified, but also felt a weird sense of excitement. I had so many feelings that I felt like they were oozing out of my pores, I needed to talk. I was ready to talk.

I checked in and sat down on one of the large leather couches and twiddled my thumbs while I waited for Penelope. A short time later, the wooden door swung open and Penny peeked her head around the corner.

"Hi sweetie. Are you ready to head back?" she asked. I nodded and stood up to follow her back to the small room, sitting down on the plush armchair across from where she sat.

"So...how have you been? I have to be honest, I was pretty worried when Shawn called. It must be something pretty big for you to want to schedule an appointment so last minute," she said. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, realizing how difficult this was going to be.

"Y-yeah, um, some things happened that I feel like kind of...threw off my progress, I guess."

"Healing isn't linear, Camila. It's normal to have setbacks. It doesn't mean you lost your progress, sometimes you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward," she explained. I knew she was right, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that the last few months of therapy sessions just went to waste because of one horribly timed flashback. "Talk to me, what happened?" she asked. I took a deep breath and tried to summon all of the strength and courage I had before speaking.

"This...this is going to be really...personal and um, p-probably too much information..." I said nervously.

"Camila, don't be nervous. My entire job is listening to the details of people's personal lives, you don't have to be nervous," she said in an attempt to comfort me.

"Well, first of all this is probably going to make Shawn sound kind of...I don't know. When I start to tell you what happened it might make him seem like...not a good guy, I guess...b-but it was just a misunderstanding and we've talked about it and everything is fine between us now so-"

"Camila, calm down. Deep breaths. Just talk to me, what happened?"

I closed my eyes and took several calming breaths before telling her what happened - and as I promised Shawn, I told her everything that happened. Understandably, she was shocked. Hell, so was I. But she understood where Shawn was coming from; she understood his intentions were pure. As uncomfortable and awkward as it was for me to explain what he thought he heard, she understood how the mistake could be made - even if it was an extremely unfortunate mistake. I did debate whether or not I wanted to tell her about the things that I said in the storage room with Shawn, but the promise I had made him in the parking lot was screaming at me in the back of my mind - so I told her. Unsurprisingly, she suggested that I start coming to see her more often than I already was.

"I would never actually try to hurt myself, but sometimes in those incredibly dark moments...I do think about it," I admitted.

"I know that right now you believe that you would never do anything like that - but sometimes, during those incredibly dark moments, your words can easily become actions. I don't want you to do something to hurt yourself...or to hurt the people who love you. I think maybe you should start coming to see me more often, just so we can monitor those feelings more closely."

Typically our sessions lasted only an hour, but this one was closer to two. When I walked back out to the parking lot, I saw Shawn anxiously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. I knew he was scared of what would happen in there, of what Penelope would think of him or if she would potentially skew my idea of who he was or what his intentions were. Truthfully, after my session I felt even more highly of Shawn than I did before - which honestly I didn't think was possible. I opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat. Shawn looked over at me anxiously.

"H-how did it go?" he asked. I opened my mouth to answer him, but quickly changed my mind and decided to just lean in and kiss him instead. I could tell my actions caught him off guard, his eyebrows raising up in surprise as I cupped his face.

"I love you. Thank you for calling and making me this appointment, I needed it. Thank you for supporting me and just...thank you for caring," I said honestly. He smiled softly at me, clearly touched by my words.

"Anytime you need me, I'm here for you. Seriously - no matter what, I'm here for you Camila. I love you," he whispered before pressing his lips against mine once more.

----

I slept much easier that night. As necessary as the time away from Shawn was the night before, I slept horribly without him by my side. We got into bed and he pulled me closer to him, kissing the top of my head as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I buried my face into his bare chest and placed a soft kiss on his sternum.

"I missed this. It's nice to be home," I mumbled into his chest. His fingers began lazily combing through my curls.

"It's nice to have you home."

A/N: Chapter 50 already? WOOP WOOP.